WIRTB Review: IYH 3

Oh, New Generation. I really wish that I didn't have to perform defecatory services upon your lifeless corpse. However, you just make it so easy. I'm Speed on the Beat and welcome to yet another WIRTB Review, the EOTR series where I make up my own acronyms and review the crap, so you don't have to. I've taken a break from my Game of Thrones binge-a-thon to cover an event that screams "my little brother booked this in WWE 2k15 because he thought it'd be a great idea to do to give John Cena and Roman Reigns complete reign over the WWE." I'm talking about, as mentioned, In Your House 3 a/k/a the one where we got three belts, one match, and a couple years of WTF afterwards.

If you ever had to make a case for "backstage politics," look no further than this match. And, yes, I'm anticipating Shawn Michaels to superkick the block button on Twitter to block me after this one. Strangely, I'm cool with that. Because this main event shouldn't have happened--video game or otherwise. Anyway, let's get into the matches. Let's run down the dark matches.

Goldust def. Bob Holly: Goldy is at his goofy cartoon stage, but still not completely at his weird sexually open self that we see in the Attitude Era.
Ahmed Johnson def. Skip: Uh,,,enough said. Next,
Fatu def. Hunter Hearst Helmsley: And Rikishi didn't even do it for The Rock this time.
Taker def. Mabel: Because the world asked for this feud, right?

Our first non-darkie (and that sounded so less racist in my head) pits Savio Vega versus Waylon Mercy. In other words, OG Sin Cara's push versus 2015 Bray Wyatt. Savio wins, because reasons that include Waylon (get it? Wailin' [for] Mercy? It's genius!) leaving WWF after this match. But, at least Waylon damn near kills Savio with a brainbuster, right? Because what's more important: not killing the guy in the ring or trying out something new to get over/piss someone off?

Fuck this next match. It's shit. No, literally, there's (kayfabe?) pig slop and shit just around the ring because it's everyone's 274th favorite hillbilly Henry Godwin versus Sycho Sid. First, how the hell did Sid go from being a major contributor to the Next Generation to...this? Well, people stopped giving a shit. That, plus injuries, and him joining the Million Dollar Corporation with...Tatanka. So, again. Fuck this match.

Owen Hart leaves the arena. Smart man, that Owen Hart.

There's something resembling a match between BBB and British Bulldog that they're hyping to come on next, but I'm already saying fuck this company. And that's usually reserved for WCW. BBB doesn't give a shit...at all. Why should I? BBB's big moves get countered and little to no pops. BB's moves get little to no heat. And I give little to no fucks.

Shane Douglas and Razor go up next. Something something punch, something something Razor's edge, something something 1-2-3 Kid run-in to advance his feud with Razor.

Bret Hart wrestles a pirate. No, I shit you not. Bret Hart wrestles Jean-Pierre LaFitte, a guy who was supposedly related to a real pirate. He wore an eye patch for his glass eye and everything. He also tagged with The Mountie at one point. The match was decent, but I couldn't care much considering what came before it and what came after it.

So, with that said, let's get into our main event. Owen Hart left because his wife was preggers. Guess who he's replaced by? The British Bulldog. So, in our main event, we've got Diesel and HBK (WWF and IC Champs respectively) versus Yoko and BB (Tag Team Champions) for a "one ring to rule them all" match. Whichever team won, they'd win all the belts. Or something like that. I watched it on the Network and I'm still slightly confused by it. Anyway, Bulldog spends most of this match getting destroyed. Yoko puts everything in a rest hold. All is lost for a dirty screwjobby finish until...OWEN HART COMES BACK!

And then gets pinned by Diesel.

Nothing about this PPV made sense. At all. It's like having sex with a woman made of barbed wire. The insanity doesn't hurt less the closer you get to the finish. If anything, it's made more insane that you'd put yourself through such stupidity.

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Eyes on the Ring 2:23 PM  No comment

WIRTB Review: The Souled Out Series Volume Two (1998)

Greetings, my ringaz, it's the man who took on Greed and won, the guy who watched Mayhem 1999 and 2000 and didn't have his eyes bleed, SOTB!!!, back with another WIRTB Review. Now, you're probably wondering where in the high fuck have I been these past couple weeks. Well, I've been dealing with some personal issues. My mother passed. But, instead of boo-hoo over that, I'm going to honor her in a way she'd be proud of: making people laugh (hopefully) through reviews of PPVs. Now, 1997's edition was atrocious. Let's see if 1998's has lost its way of shit or continues down the path of craptastic crappiness.

The first match is a eight-man tag team Lucha Libre rules match between the teams of La Parka, Silver King, Psychosis and El Dandy (?) versus Lizmark Jr., Juventud Guerrerra, Super Calo , and...Chavo Guerrero. Ok, first things first? Chavo sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of an all-night titty fuckfest in this match. Even David Penzer's enthusiasm trails off when annoucing him. Now, don't get me wrong--I love Chavo's WCW work and I think he's overly underrated. But, he's always been light when it comes to Lucha Libre to me.

The match starts off pretty telegraphed, even though the spots are balls-out amazing. We get ample time between each pairing, with La Parka even busting out some dance moves in the middle of his segment. That is, until Juvie knocks him out. And of course, now we get the schmozz. But, after the schmozz and your typical "hey guys stand outside the ring to catch me" spot, Chavo scores the win. The match was pretty balls-out, even if telegraphed. However, one thing that got to me was the fact that the commentators usually referred to the talent as "they" or "them."

Next up, we get a promo for the first iPPV in Boston Brawl. WCW had some good ideas in their dying days--wait a minute. Let me check out the Brawl card. Ok, after further review, good idea, shit execution. It's like This Tuesday in Texas times ten, because at least TTiT (ha..."TiT") had some semblance of a title change and something actually happen.

Our next match is Raven versus Benoit in a Stone Cold vest.

I completely forgot that Chris Benoit also had sparkly pants and shit at one point. Also, for the newbies reading along, can we stop the Raven/Wyatt comparisons? Yes, they're atypical. Yes, they lead "cults." Yes, their promos are their strongest suit. But, there are still so many reasons why Bray Wyatt and Raven are nothing alike. For instance, Bray Wyatt, PG Era or otherwise, hasn't utilized any weaponry really other than his voice. Raven is a crazy motherfucker who'll use anything and everything in his way to make a point. Bray wants you to follow him, potentially to mask his own insecurities. Raven wants to break you down completely and rebuild you in his image...or the image he sees fit.

Anywho, this match is insanity in a hand bag. Chair shots, technical wrestling, psychology, BULLDOGS ONTO CHAIRS! This match probably has everything you could ask for in a match. Benoit gets the win on a crossface (obviously), which leads to everyone coming out, but Benoit and Dean Malenko cleaning house. Two matches in and the way of crap in Souled Out seems to be lost.

Rey versus Jericho is next. This match looks like something out of 2013, 2014. Jericho eats up the crowd booing him. Rey tries to be all flippy-do and hurts his knee. Jericho wins and beats Rey post-match to a somewhat still mixed reaction from a couple people in the crowd. But, it still wasn't a completely horrible match. Just eh.

Bookah T and Rick Martel square off for the TV Title. It's hard to believe, but, at this point, Martel is still in his early-40s. I mean, this is a guy I've seen on WWF since around the time I was born and he's still not even, in 2015, over 60. He's close. Oh, he's damn close. But, he's not 60 just yet. Canadian genes or something. Anyhow, Martel and Bookah are up next for the TV title. The match kind of plays out like something out the indies. Lots of focus on one body part, a slow build, a fast-paced (kind of) middle, and several "I'm on the edge of my seat" near-falls. Bookah ends up getting the win in a fun match which was, sadly, one of Martel's last. Oddly, Martel's career-ending injuries came while in the ring with Bookah for the title.

Next? Scott Hall versus Larry Zybysko. And just like that, the way of crap has been found. Let the bloodletting begin.

What can I say? I'm an anime nerd and a wrestling fan. Don't like it? Kick rocks and suck dick.

The point of this clusterfuck was so Dusty Rwhodes, tha Amurrrican Dream (baby), could end up joining the nWo. At this point, the nWo was reaching critical mass. Everyone and their mom was part of the group and no one really agreed with what should be done within it. So, we ended up getting everyone, their mom, and their gay uncle's partner's cousin's second niece joining and forming splinter groups. Seriously. Look up the member list of the nWo. You're bound to find that someone you liked growing up is/was an nWo member.

We then get, for our troubles, Vicious and Delicious and Konnan versus The Steiners and Ray Traylor. Fuck this. Best part of the match is Scott yelling at the ref. Konnan takes the loss after a screwdriver from Scott and then Scott and Buff verbally jack off each other over their physiques. Fuck that noise.

Next? Kevin Nash versus Giant. Now, the promo for this PPV made mention of, y'know, something along the lines of "if Nash jackknifes someone, he'll be banned from WCW." Not only did he do it, he damn near killed Giant in the process. Yeah, it looks a lot worse than it was...but it was still pretty gotdamn bad (go to about 1:20 into the video).

The next match, our second-to-last of the evening, is almost a classic. Bret Hart versus Ric Flair. Hell, anytime you have Flair going vertical, you've got a classic. Hart gets the win from the Sharpshooter, and the way of shit has been lost once again. I think this may be the first pay-per-view in the WIRTB timeline to get a "no."

And then...we get to the main event. Because, for whatever reason, this classic match couldn't be the closer. Nooooo. We get Michael Buffer coming out to introduce Lex Luger and Randy Savage. Now, Randy is a legend and will always be. But, I can't bring myself to give any sort of fuck about this match. Fuck this match. I think Randy wins, but we all lose.

So, at the end of the day, even with that main event, was it really that bad?

Surprisingly, no. We got matches without a load of outside interference, feud finales, and a slew of things that make wrestling fun and great to watch. I question placing Luger versus Savage as the main event, but other than that? No, it wasn't really that bad. In fact, you take that match, the Dusty heel turn, and the Jackknife Special out, and you've got a legit PPV. So, check it out.

Our next WIRTB will either be Souled Out 1999 or another bonus review. So, until next time, Ringers. Keep your eyes on the ring.

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Eyes on the Ring 9:54 AM  No comment

WIRTB Review: In Your House #1

It's me, it's me, it's the guy who reviews the crap so you don't have to, Speed on the Beat back for another edition of WIRTB Review. Today, thankfully, I've been spared the dubious honor of, as Joe put it "messing around and getting on smack" after reviewing the Souled Out series for another day. Today's review comes to us by way of True God. So, we know he won't purposefully try to have me jump out of my window.

::looks at title::

The rumors of my death have not been greatly exaggerated, at all.

Live from May 14, 1995, it's In Your House #1, WWF's venture into monthly pay-per-views to generate additional interest for the WWF after the federation had seen some of its worst days in the "New Generation." Because of the successes of the IYH series, we have the modern WWE PPV schedule. So, in about three weeks, when you're watching Roman Reigns crush your dreams and mine, you'll have 1995's In Your House #1 to thank for that.

Our main event of the evening is Diesel/Kevin Nash versus Sycho Sid for the WWF Title. We also have Yokozuna and Owen Hart versus the Smoking Gunns for the tag team titles. Razor Ramon versus Double J and Road Do--I mean, the Roadie, Adam Bomb versus Mabel, and Bret Hart versus Hakushi and Jerry "The KANG!" Lawler. Oooh, and we'll see who the WWF is "giving" a house away to.

After our promo, we're taken to ringside with VINCE MCMAHON, screaming as if he's trying to coach a box of kittens off a roof, and Dok Hendrix (Michael Hayes) looking as ignorant, moronic and racist as ever.

Speaking of racist, the "Modern Day Kamikaze" Hakushi and Shinja are out next for Bret Hart's first match. Now, Hakushi's theme is actually kind of bad-ass. But, the presentation of Hakushi and all just makes for sheer coonery, to quote True.

But, at least he was actually Japanese. Unlike Tensai.

Bret Hart dedicates an ass-whooping to his mom. I know that, if I got my mom the gift of me beating the crap out of a Japanese man, I think she'd just wonder if I've completely lost it. But, different strokes, I guess. Yay foreigners as heels because Amurican nationalism (even though Bret has been pretty damn Canadian). Bret and Hakushi telegraph flippy-do shit to begin. We then get a test of strength and a smidgen of chain wrestling. This match isn't bad, it's just mind-numbingly boring, full of botches and telegraphed offense (and a Hakushi headbutt that clearly missed its mark that Bret didn't even bother to sell), and Dox rambling on like the moron he is.

Too bad Shinja isn't Shinji or he could just get into his giant mommy-robot and end the world.

It's still not Superbrawl 2000 bad, though (yet).

Bret wins with a victory roll but twists his knee in the process of coming out of the ring. Make note of that.

We go backstage for a 1-900 promo with Alundra Blayze that's interrupted by The Puppy Man, Jerry Lawler, hyping up his match...again. Lawler talks his shit until it's announced that Bret's about to come down. This leads to him pulling out a beeper (yay 1990s hilarity) and saying his mom's calling him. We get introductions for the next match and we're back in the ring.

Double J and The Roadie versus Razor Ramon.

I forgot how much of an overseller Jarrett could be. He gets hit by Razor punches that turn him completely inside out. Razor continues to beat the stripes off of Jarrett. Roadie attacks Razor. Dox mocks Razor's accent because borderline racism FTW. Something to this effect continues for most of the match. Interesting sidenote: this match was supposed to feature the 1-2-3 Kid. But, because of injuries, we got this handicapped handicap match. The match's beginning and end weren't bad. The middle of the match is the problem. It's just boring. This match wasn't horrible, just...boring.

What pushes this match into WIRTB territory is its end. After Razor scores the pin post-Razor's Edge, Jarrett and Roadie then start beating Razor down. Who, in 1995 WWF, would you want to come out for the save? Aldo Montoya or anyone else? Apparently, WWF didn't listen, since we get Aldo coming out, getting stomped out as well, and sent on his way. To showcase how bad this era was in terms of legitimate stars, Aldo received a pretty big pop. Aldo is great as Justin Credible. But here? He looks like 2015 Rey Mysterio and Adam Bomb had a baby.

Just...no. Anyway, post-Aldo beatdown, we get (for yet another unknown reason) Savio Vega, Razor's "old friend" or something, coming out as a "fan" and beating the hell out of Roadie. It's like 1998 all over again, but in reverse. After he's carted away by the cops, we get another King promo. This time, he's arguing with Jack Tunney trying to get his match pushed up in the card. But, screw this, because we get a SYCHO SID video package full of Sid doing his best to have some sort of Heath Ledger-era Joker fit. It's pretty convincing. Joke all you want about Sid sucking at life when it came to promos (because he really did), but he could play the silent, crazy mofo better than almost anyone.

Next match, Mabel versus Adam Bomb in a KOTR Qualifier. Nope. Fuck this. We have one of the WWF's first non-big four PPV and we have Mabel versus Adam Bomb. I would've rather seen the West Texas Rednecks duet with The Roadie on a "Rap is Crap" remix. Mabel gets the sloppy squash in about a minute and a half. And, in case you forgot, Mabel went on to win KOTR 1995 against...The Undertaker.

And they said that Vince has never pushed the blacks. That's not true. He just usually doesn't push the blacks who have real talent. I know what you're thinking. "But, Speed. Mabel/Viscera/Big V/Nelson Fraizer, Jr is dead. It's a dick move to speak ill of the dead." But, Mabel just wasn't very good, dead or not. The crowd hates this move, and I don't think it's because they're white either.

Backstage, we get Razor putting over Savio as "the biggest star from the Caribbean." But, what about...oh, I forgot. WWF fans are supposed to be stupid and know nothing other than WWF. Now, Savio is great and is quite accomplished. But, biggest star from the Caribbean? Nah. Anyway, we go back to the ring for Yoko/Owen versus the Smoking Gunns.

One thing I've always wondered is this: if WWF wanted sumo wrestlers, why couldn't they just go to Japan, say "hi sumo, we will respect your awesomeness, but we'd like for you to come into our 'it's still real to a few, dammit' atmosphere and slapbox with Shawn Michaels, E Honda-style" and set something up? Why did they have to always get Samoan wrestlers to play these types of roles? Anywho, this match is boring. It's akin to modern-day WWE where you'll see a match during a PPV that could've just been shown on Smackdown. However, unlike today, 1995 WWF didn't have the luxury of any pre-show matches that could've been shown there. Yoko and Owen get the win.

A few promos, including a highly creepy one from Lawler, later and we're back to the ring. Jerry "THE KANG!" Lawler and Bret Hart are finally squaring up to kick each other's head in (again). This should be great, right? What's that, you say? This match ends up being sheer stupidity, with the anti-American Hakushi teaming up with Jerry Lawler to beat Bret Hart, who then all run out with Lawler's "mom," who's really some twenty-something that, I guess, is kind of meant to parody Lawler's sex stuff?

Next.

Oh, look! They finally are giving away the house. This is done by Todd Pettengill and Stephanie Wiand kinda being weird and calling some guy to give the house away. Wonder if they actually let him keep it.

Now, I'll be honest. The main event of this match, I just poured up a shot of rubbing alcohol, put a lime on it, and chugged. Why? Because that's the only way I'd be able to say that Sycho Sid and Diesel were able to have a great match. And, ya know what? Even after that, I still can't say it. This is the equivalent of 2015 Kane versus 2015 Big Show, slowed down even more so. Diesel is pretty much 1995 Roman Reigns in the way he's over. So, I guess that makes Sid...um...I don't know. The match is mostly punches and restholds. Oh, and get this. WWF must've traveled 20 years into the future because your main event for the evening ends in a DQ.

Yep. I don't even think we need to ask the question. Sycho Sid and Diesel main-eventing and ending in a DQ, Savio Vega (without his Kwang attire, no less), and Mabel. In one PPV. We know that this era of WWF/WWE was kind of bad. Look at this PPV for proof of it.

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Eyes on the Ring 2:25 PM  No comment

WIRTB Review: Backlash 2006

Greetings, losers and lovers. It's me, the man who taught Daniel Bryan about facial hair, the man who advised CM Punk to follow his dreams of getting the crap kicked out of him for reals, the one and only SOTB!!! back with another exciting edition of "Was It Really That Bad?" Review. For those who are unaware, WIRTB takes some of the crappiest PPVs known to man, puts them under a microscope, and asks, in hindsight, "was it really that bad?" Today, we look at that one time God got into the ring. I'm sure somewhere, an atheist is blowing their load over this one still.

But, before we get to the father of the Anointed One's debut in the WWE, we've got to get through the rest of this crap. We open with a video package full of Ruthless Aggression tropes: blood, tables, brooding faces, Vince McMahon referring to Shane as "the product of my semen." Y'know, normal shit for 2006 WWE. Oh, and JAAAAAAWNNNN CEEEENA, Edge, and Triple H yelling at the camera about the triple threat for the WWE Title. I'll be honest, this package actually (kind of) made me forget that this PPV was going to be hell on wheels.

And then the intro music hit.

Our first match of the night, because fuck Heat, is Carlito versus Chris Masters. For those who remember, Carlito and Chris Masters were feuding with each other because reasons. Well, technically, Chris Masters turned heel after attacking Carlito (who'd been attacking Masters post-match for somewhere short of two months before this) and they've been feuding ever since. But, "because reasons" just fits so much better with this match.

Carlito comes out to a pop and, after being choked out with his own shirt, gets leveled by Masters. JR and Lawler are gushing over the idea of God showing up and putting the smackdown on Vince to the point they start to not even give a crap about the match. Carlito puts the Masters Lock on Masters, then hits a body splash to the outside. Some more back and forth ensues and Carlito is getting Roman Reigns (pre-Royal Rumble 2015)-level pops at points. Wow, I forgot how in the RA Era, there was more of an organic approach to getting talent over (even more so than crowds chanting "YES!" and forcing WWE to put DB over to, potentially, their own chagrin). And then Masters starts going on offense.

As the match turns to shit, let's take time to notice something. Carlito and Masters kind of seem like color swaps of each other, a la Scorpio and Sub-Zero. Seriously, their attire is practically the same. Carlito goes all Eddie Guerrero, distracts Masters, and then goes on offense. Carlito should've been an Eddie-like star in WWE. But, well, that probably won't happen. Carlito gets a near-fall, which pisses off Masters. Masters goes all angry ape and tries to superplex him. Carlito hits a slightly botched moonsault for a near fall. We get a decent amount of chain wrestling, followed by a Codebreaker and a foot-on-the-ropes pin from Carlito for the win.

We get a backstage segment from Maria where she says that Chris Masters won over Carlito. We then go to a video where fans give their opinions on who's going to win the Triple Threat match.

Derp.

We get a couple black guys looking goofy as fuck cheering on Edge and Trips. We get a vet who one-ups himself on his birthday (can't be mad at that). We even get one young fan who says that Edge and Triple H "can't see this." This young man has probably grown up to "BELEE DAT, BITCH!"

After this, Lita and Maria have words. Lita gets called a ho, a cockgobbler, and she retorts with the following: "after Edge wins...we're gonna have a private sex show...because, unlike [the audience, I get sex]." Thankfully, this exchange is over and we can get to some great action.

What's that you say? Ric Flair and Umaga are up next? Armando Estrada's introduction and Umaga's entrance seems to last longer than the gotdamn match. May Umaga rest in peace, but this match was shit. Maybe if Flair was ten years younger and Umaga wasn't as meh as he was in the ring, we could've gotten a decent match. Instead, we get Umaga beating the fuck out of Flair outside. I'm surprised he didn't just start gushing buckets of blade blood. Flair gets the eye poke on Umaga and the crotch shot. Flair then takes to offense with Flair chops, but gets a throat thrust from Umaga for his troubles. Flair rolls out the ring after Umaga almost hits him with a Rikishi ass shot (and it works doubly because family values). This match is one of the flabbiest matches I've seen in a while.

Now, I try not to make comments on wrestlers' physiques because it's weird kinda and I'm not exactly Channing Tatum myself. But, the jiggle factor in this match was just pretty gross. Flair's got that old guy who used to be buff turkey thing going, and Umaga...well, he's fucking Umaga. Umaga gets the win after the Samoan thumb spike. Lawler utters something about, because Estrada is Spanish, he's probably an illegal who won't be seen on RAW because of the "illegal work stoppage."

This PPV of supreme tolerance of others' differences is brought to you by the Be a STAR campaign.

Speaking of being a star, Vince proceeds to pour out a bottle of water and stomp around in it like a senile old man who just got told it was raining. Why? To demonstrate he can, get this, walk...on...water. He then does his best Luke 9:16 interpretation and bread and fish just start flying at him and Shane (who's water makes a heel turn to wine).

Shane: You sure this is a good idea?
Vince: Yes, me dammit! It's GENIUS! Now get the me-damned fish ready.

Next up? We get the recap of the Mickie vs. Trish feud, complete with cooch grab and v-lick. Damn, I forgot how thick Mickie James is/was. That's that DMV booty. I legitimately spaced out of this match and mentally fapped to Mickie James. Sorry, True. Interesting sidenote, contrary to popular belief, Mickie James apparently hasn't lreally done porn. Sun Some other divas, on the other hand...

Trish gets the DQ win after Mickie chokes out Trish with her bracelet.

Oh, goddammit, Maria. I like Maria Kanellis. I really do. She's a talented woman. But, here, she's on the most annoying shit since I had to deal with everyone flooding my timeline with Breaking Bad spoilers. I get it, Walt died gently caressing the soft supple breast of a tank used to cook meth and symbolism. LEMME SEE THAT FOR MYSELF! I digress, though. Shawn Michaels appears, doesn't sell the "God" aspect of the match (lulz), and hypes the match along with a "I got two words for ya!" for the crowd. 

After this, we're given Shelton Benjamin (who I forgot was the IC champion) versus RVD in a "winner takes all" match. First, Shelton is out looking like he just stepped on the scene fresh out of 2000 with his flow-y tiger-biting-a-dragon's-asshole print button up. Hell, I think I had the same shirt when I was in middle school. 

It's RVD circa 2006, and we're a few months out from ECW restarting. So...RVDWINSLOL. Seriously, though. It was a decent enough match, and the psychology was pretty on-point. But it didn't keep my attention like it should have, considering that Shelton and RVD are two pretty underrated wrestlers who almost always deliver. 

Kane versus Big Show is up next in a match that's still going on almost ten years later. As with many Kane versus Show matches, I've got two words for you: "fuck this." We also got more build-up for the (spoiler alert!) Kane versus Imposter Kane match in late May with the whole "oh, let's piss away a couple grand and have the lights redden and someone fuck-whisper the words 'May 19th, you know what happened that day!' over and over." Yes, it was how we got more of Kane's backstory. But hearing that shit over and over again? Nah. We also get another Show/Kane pseudo-double-turn. 

Candace Michelle (who has done porn) gets her rocks off with Vincey Baby, with a scene straight out of Big Black Booty Bitch Squirters 95. The audience goes deathly silent and JR asks what I'm thinking.

"What the hell is that?"

And now, for the greatest, most vainglorious, weird-ass match this side of Jim Neidhart dressing as a Klansman going up against Virgil. Now, I know wrestling sometimes has to be kind of hokey, but this is just completely over-the-top. For Fuck's Sake, "McMahonism?" The harp-centric "God" intro transitioned into a theme that sounded oddly like "Somebody Call My Mama," while making "God" pretty much shuck and jive for Vinnie Mac. The "No Holds Barred" aspect of the match. Jesus...this match is just sheer clusterfuckery. Apologies for being potentially blasphemous here, but what the fuck?

"You and God are going to go straight to hell," Vince says as Shawn goes apeshit. From there, we get Shawn being the hell out of everyone and a ton of Biblical puns from JR and Lawler. And now, this match actually becomes halfway watchable. 

You've gotta give Shane McMahon credit for the bumps he's taken over the years. He was/is a pretty decent wrestler. After Shane gets thrown into the Backlash sign, Vince gets crossbodied through the floor by Vince. Admittedly, that was a cool spot (especially considering that Vince is 60 at this point taking Dudley Boyz-level bumps). Shawn heads back up to the stage and gets KTFO by Shane with a steel chair. This match is made less tolerable by JR's puns, though. And, I think JR is a legend. However, here? I kinda just wish he'd shut up and let the match happen.

Shawn's busted open and Shane bathes in the blood of the innocent (sorry, I had to) while continuing to beat the high hell out of Michaels. Rolled back into the ring, Shawn (after rolling out of the way of a Shane elbow drop), gets beaten with a belt in a pretty uncomfortable spot, since Shawn was whipped like a runaway slave. All we needed were some dramatic stings from the Roots soundtrack. Shane hands Vince a trash can, which Shawn (of course) takes to the skull. Afterwards, Vince goads "God," who "leaves" before Shawn hulks up and takes out Vince. Vince gets his skull cracked by Shane swinging a chair, and Shane gets Shawn's WWE 2K14 comeback and double McMahon superkicks for his troubles. Shawn GETS THE TABLE(S)!!! for Vince and Shane, and goes under the apron for a ladder to give from. This match is starting to get my attention more. Sure, it still kind of sucks, but it's becoming "not that bad."

What happens next?

The Spirit Squad comes out, Shawn dives through them. The Spirit Squad then beats the crap out of Shawn then alley-oops him into the tables set up in the ring.

There's a reason why only Dolph Ziggler remains in WWE in 2015. The Spirit Squad versus DX feud was possibly one of the worst in the modern history of WWE. That and Dolph actually connected with the crowd in ways that the others couldn't. It's sad, too. The Spirit Squad wasn't shit. They were just unnecessary as fuck.

LOL at JR saying "that is bullshit," though.

After this trainwreck, we get Cena versus Edge versus Triple H for the WWE Championship. Do we really need to go through that one? Cena wins (LOL) using a Pedigree counter into a roll-up pin.

Verdict: So, after the dust cleared, the drinks got poured up, and God left the building, we've reached the end of this PPV (thankfully). Was it really that bad?

Yes. In 2006, this PPV, per Wikipedia, was pretty well-received. Looking back, one good match (the triple threat...sound familiar?) doesn't make a great PPV. It makes one good match, a slew of screwy, overbooked finishes, and "God" leaving the building. This is the same company that wanted and still wants people to be all unified and happy and shit outside of wrestling. 

Come for the Triple Threat, stay for nothing else...unless you came (get it?) to hear Candace Michelle fake an orgasm.

Next up? Probably something in WCW...again. So, until next time, I'm the one and only SOTB!!! bidding you adieu and remember: I review the crap, so you don't have to. Stay warm.

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Eyes on the Ring 2:42 PM  No comment

Nathan's ROH TV Review 2/14/15

By: Nathan Neumann

Twitter: @Headliner5

Hello Eyes On The Ring readers. Another week means another review of Ring Of Honor Wrestling.  We are drawing closer to Las Vegas, Nevada and the 13th Anniversary show by the week (I’ll be there live and I can’t wait) and the event will be available for viewing live on Pay Per View.  This week’s show progressed us further down the road to the 13th anniversary.  

I should also mention that this is my  first ROH review as part of the brand new EyesOnTheRing.com. It’s quite an accomplishment from where we were when we first started to where we are now and I’m happy to be a part of it.

Now that all of the housekeeping is out of the way, lets get to the review shall we?
The show opens with the current ROH World Champion Jay Briscoe making his way to the announcer’s desk to join both Kevin Kelly and Steve Corino.  All three of the men that Briscoe will be facing at The ROH 13th Anniversary show will be in action tonight so he’s there to get a closer look. From there, Kevin Kelly and Steve Corino welcome us to the show, which is emanating from the 2300 arena (The former ECW Arena), which has gone through some extensive renovation.
We now head to the ring for the first match of the night.

Match 1
Jimmy Jacobs vs. Tommaso Ciampa

Result: Tommaso Ciampa defeats Jimmy Jacobs via referee stoppage.

Thoughts: As both guys were in the ring ready for the match to start, Ciampa went to the outside of the ring and started mouthing off to Jay Briscoe at the announcers table.  Meanwhile in the ring, Jimmy Jacobs gets sick of waiting for him to enter the ring, so he runs against the ropes and dives out through the top and middle rope to try and hit Ciampa, but Ciampa who has recently grabbed a chair throws it right at the face of the oncoming Jacobs. Back in the ring, the match finally gets underway and Jacobs delivers a flying head scissors which sent Ciampa through the ropes back to the outside of the ring. Jacobs gets on the apron and dives to the floor to hit a downed Ciampa with an elbow drop. As the two recover and get back in the ring, Jacobs positions Ciampa in the corner and hits a sliced bread for a near fall. Ciampa rolls back to the outside of the ring and is followed by Jacobs, as Ciampa takes control on the outside and delivers a few punches to the face, which puts Jacobs in a seated position right in front of the guardrail.  Ciampa runs to the opposite end and runs back at Jacobs full speed and delivers a knockout knee.  From here referee Todd Sinclair stepped in to stop the match.

Match Rating: **

This was the perfect way to build Ciampa as an unstoppable monster headed into his match in Vegas.  He’s the only guy I could realistically see defeating Jay Briscoe to win the title and that’s if there ends up being a title change.  Hanson is good but he’s nowhere near ready and is in the match as more of a place holder. and with the direction that Michael Elgin’s character has been headed as of late I don’t see him winning because it wouldn’t make much sense with the story they are trying to tell (although I’m still trying to figure out what that story is).
From here we go to the next match and out comes The Romantic Touch, it’s fitting that he was on the show considering it was Valentines Day and his character is perfect for it so I can’t complain.  Plus I like the gimmick even though I shouldn’t given that it’s a bit over the top and I don’t necessarily like that but they do it right with him.  Romantic Touch gets into the ring and there were two women with him who had a bottle of wine along with a few wine glasses.  Instead of drinking the wine from a glass like a gentleman he grabbed the bottle and chugged it, which was pretty funny.
From there Hanson made his way out to the ring and we are set for the next match.

Match 2
Hanson vs. The Romantic Touch
Result: Hanson defeats The Romantic Touch via pinfall with the Spin kick of doom.

Thoughts: There wasn’t much to this match at all. Romantic Touch had a piece of chocolate in his hand and when the bell rang he tried to hand it off to Hanson who was having nothing of it.  Hanson proceeded to deliver the spin kick of doom to The Romantic Touch, which sent the chocolate flying.  Hanson picks up the win via pinfall from here.

Match Rating: N/A. I can’t give this match a real rating because it wasn’t really that much of a match.
From here we go into the third match of the night.

Match 3
Moose vs. Michael Elgin

Result: No winner due to interference from Jay Briscoe, Tommaso Ciampa.

Thoughts: Michael Elgin made his entrance in a full Karate gi accompanied with weird music, I really don’t know what they are trying to accomplish with him at this point but I guess I’ll see where it goes. Elgin grabs Moose and lifts him up for a hanging vertical suplex where he had Moose up in the air for thirty seconds while the crowd was counting along. After said 30 seconds Elgin drops Moose but Moose immediately got up from the mat and dropkicks Elgin.  Moose takes over and delivers a running sit out powerbomb from the corner to the center of the ring for a near fall.  Elgin recovers and takes over on offense and downs Moose near the apron from here Elgin leaps over the top rope with a double foot stomp.  As Moose tries to recover Elgin ascends to the top rope and goes for a splash but Moose moves out of the way which causes Elgin to CRASH AND BURN.  Elgin recovers and whips Moose into the ropes; he catches an oncoming Moose with a pop up powerbomb.  Elgin hangs on and delivers another powerbomb after pulling Moose up from the ground, which gives Elgin a near fall when Moose kicks out at 2.  Elgin gets distracted when he goes after Jay Briscoe. Briscoe gets mad and it draws the champion into the ring.  From here Moose accidentally spears Briscoe and the referee calls for the bell to signal a DQ with no winner.

Match Rating: *3/4

Ciampa then runs to the ring and Elgin, Ciampa, and Briscoe start brawling.  Mark Briscoe runs to the ring and wastes no time diving out over the top rope onto everyone who was crowded around one another with the exception of Moose who remained in the ring.  Mark recovers and gets back in the ring and is immediately caught by Moose with a Spear back in the ring.  This might mean that we get Moose vs. Mark Briscoe at the 13th anniversary show, which will be weird...but at least Mark gets a spot on the card.  I honestly have no idea what happened to Hanson during all of this whether he did anything or completely disappeared because there was too much action going on to keep track of.
I didn’t really like this finish, not so much the finish itself but the way they accomplished it because it was a mess not to mention confusing because at first I wasn’t sure who got disqualified but I think it was a double DQ which I understand because they want to protect Moose and his undefeated streak while also protecting Elgin as he heads to the main event at the ROH 13th anniversary show.
This match probably would have gotten a better rating from me but the finish dragged it down a bit.

From there we get a lead up video to the Alberto El Patron vs. Jay Lethal match that will be taking place in Las Vegas at ROH’s 13th Anniversary Show.
Immediately after that we head straight into the main event.

Main Event – Match 4
Team ROH: Matt Sydal, ACH, and Tadarius Thomas vs.  Team Bullet Club: AJ Styles and The Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson)

Result: The Bullet Club defeats Team ROH via pinfall after a Styles Clash/Duel Super kick combination.

Thoughts: The match started out very slow and there weren’t to many noteworthy things in the early going other than the fact that ACH can do a mean headlock takedown.  Matt Sydal who is the legal man at this point hits a spin kick to Styles and then grabs both of the Bucks by their respective heads to deliver a face buster/Flatliner combination.  AJ Styles recovers and hits Matt Sydal with a back breaker, The Bucks hit another double team maneuver where Matt delivers a neck breaker to Sydal, which puts Sydal on the waiting knee of Nick in a cool combination.  From here AJ Styles follows up with a jumping knee that sends Sydal off of Nick’s knee to the mat.  Sydal gets worked over a bit but manages to recover long enough to hit a desperation hurricanranna after which he tags in ACH.  ACH comes into the ring and wastes no time by hitting AJ Styles with a flying head scissors.  Nick Jackson who is on the apron springs onto the top rope and catches Cedric Alexander with a face buster.  A powerbomb double knee combination from Sydal and Alexander onto one of the Bucks gets team ROH a near fall.  The bucks recover and make it to their feet, the bucks hit Alexander with a double super kick and AJ hits Sydal with a Pele kick.  AJ and ACH both make it to the outside of the ring where ACH hits AJ with a hurricanranna.  Back in the ring The Young Bucks hit the Indytaker on Sydal followed by a Styles Clash.  Styles sets Sydal up for the Styles Clash.  From here the Young Bucks hit Sydal with Duel super kicks while Sydal is hanging upside down in the hands of AJ.  Once the Bucks hit their super kicks AJ Styles hits the Styles Clash on Sydal and rolls over in a pinning position to score the pinfall victory.

Match Rating: **3/4
This match was very good I actually enjoyed it for the most part but whenever the Young Bucks are in a match they always manage to go overboard on the amount of super kicks they hit per match.  I understand that that’s their gimmick but they’ve completely killed the meaning of that move for me on the indie scene.  Others contributed to doing this as well because a lot wrestlers on the indie scene do the move but the Bucks go overboard on too many occasions, which is one of many reasons why I don’t like them and why they don’t appeal to me as a wrestling fan.
That however will do it for me and this review of Ring Of Honor wrestling television.  This show did a lot of good things and had some very good progression towards the Pay Per View on March 1st.  I made mention of this to a friend of mine that I was watching the show with that I was enjoying the build to the PPV because they are doing it right.  That’s one problem I have with WWE nowadays because since the WWE Network launched on February 24 of last year PPV’s have seemed to lose their meaning a bit.  However this has a completely different feel to it and even I wasn’t going to be at the 13th anniversary show live I would gladly pay the price tag for the PPV because Ring Of Honor has done a great job in selling it to me.
I hope you enjoyed the read on the brand new website be sure to update your bookmarks and visit us often as we bring you all of the results, news, and views within the wrestling world.  Make sure to follow us on twitter @EyesOnTheRing where you can also follow me @Headliner5.  Be sure to check out EyesOnTheRing.com your source for all things wrestling.  Also don’t forget to tune into our weekly radio show each and every Sunday night over at blogtalkradio.com/ElitePodcastNetwork at 11:00pm Eastern Time.  Last but not least go like us on facebook at Facebook.com/EyesOnTheRing

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Eyes on the Ring 2:46 PM  No comment

Speed on the Beat Reviews: The Infamous Heroes of Wrestling

Hello and welcome to what may be a new feature on Eyes of the Ring, the "Was It Really That Bad?" Review. I am your master of clusterf***, Speed on the Beat. Today, we'll take a look at a PPV considered by many to be the worst of all-time. Yes, worse than December to Dismember. I'm talking about 1999's Heroes of Wrestling.

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Eyes on the Ring 12:00 PM  No comment