Eyes On Wrestlemania: 5 Bad Booking Decisions

By @TrueGodImmortal

Wrestlemania is known for being a huge event in WWE. Often times, the WWE strikes gold with a number of their decisions at Mania, but there have been a number of times where we were all left scratching our heads. Today, we reflect on a few of those times. Let's get into it.

*Booker T Loses To Triple H 
Wrestlemania 19

-This was an interesting concept.
Booker was disrespected and racist elements were brought into the feud but the endgame should have been the immensely over Booker T getting his championship and winning this feud right? That was what sensible people would have done. Nope. Not WWE. WWE would see Booker lose pretty much cleanly and then drop out of the title picture period. Booker deserved better than that honestly. The fans deserved better than that honestly.

*Charlotte Ends Asuka's Undefeated Streak 

-You have momentum. You have an undefeated streak. You have a woman that is garnering some love and is the biggest women's wrestler from Japan that we have seen thus far. On the other side, you have the stale forced daughter of wrestling royalty, who is a solid performer, but who has overstayed her welcome on top of the business by a small margin. So, naturally, at Mania, you put the first performer over and keep her undefeated streak in tact while making her dominant, right? Wrong. WWE did the exact opposite and as a result, Asuka has never been the same since. This was a horrible decision to waste her Rumble win, her title shot, and a possible future match with Ronda Rousey. The WWE Mania booking struck again and Asuka has not recovered and likely won't.

*Jerry Lawler vs Michael Cole 
Wrestlemania 27

-An announcer vs an announcer. There is no reason why this match happened. Nor was it worthwhile. You can add Stone Cold. Insert other wrestlers. Still, it doesn't matter. Much like Roman Reigns headlining every event, fans just didn't want to see this match take place. It would go on for 10 plus minutes for no reason, taking valuable time that could have went elsewhere honestly on an event that was already pretty average on paper. Who won the match is irrelevant, the action in the match is irrelevant, simply put, this match is just irrelevant.

*Hulk Hogan Saves The Day 
Wrestlemania 9

-Bret Hart deserved better. It is sad that Hulk Hogan was such a spotlight stealer but that is who he was. Hogan interrupts Yokozuna defeating Bret Hart and then gets approval from Bret to go and take Yoko's moment in the sun for no reason. Hogan would end up entering the ring and defeating Yokozuna in seconds, rendering the title and the entire main event of Wrestlemania 9 as a joke IMO. Yoko should have retained his title and moved on to another feud or Bret could have retained. Regardless, Hogan as champ for a pointless three month reign made no sense.

*Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar
Wrestlemania 34

-The last four years has seen a main event that felt forced and while I can't personally pinpoint any particular time in wrestling where Mania was in a main event slump like that, this past year was pretty brutal for several reasons. Reigns is not over fully as a face. He is not a big time star in the way WWE tries to push him. That is the sad reality. However, absolutely no one wanted to see Brock vs Reigns again and yet WWE forced it on us, then made Brock win to prolong the inevitable by some months. Reigns as champion is a bad idea period, Reigns as a face is as well, and Reigns main eventing Mania in a rematch no one wants to see is a bad idea. Simple.

-True

Read More

Eyes on the Ring 9:00 AM  2 comments

Eyes On Survivor Series: 10 Most Memorable Moments

By @Phranchize19

Survivor Series is one of the big 4 PPVs that WWE usually tries to go all out for. Survivor Series had lost its luster for a while but it has attempted to pick back up over recent years. Here are the 10 most memorable moments of this event.

10. The Debut Of Rocky Maivia

-The man known as The Rock is a worldwide phenomenon and in 1996 at Survivor Series, we were all introduced to him. The blue chip third generation star came out and amazed with his performance. His athleticism was unparalleled. Even though he was a cookie cutter babyface, people were quite intrigued as to where he would go from this strong outing. I think he did alright in his career following this.

9. The Debut Of The Undertaker

-Ted Dibiase’s Million Dollar Team had the million dollar acquisition of The Undertaker. While the WWF was still in its goofy character stage, this character of a western mortician stuck in a way that I don’t think anyone could imagine. Taker debuting is an all time classic moment.

8. Bret Hart vs Shawn Michaels 
Survivor Series 1992 Main Event

-Long before the Montreal screwjob, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels were leading the post Hogan era of WWF. This was significant due to the fact that WWF was in transition from the Hogan era. It was quite surprising to see Vince go with Bret Hart as the face of the new era because he usually picked the bodybuilder larger than life sized guys but Bret was a relatively smaller champion. Conpounded with the up and coming Shawn Michaels, who also was a small competitor, this was not your typical WWE main event but this match was simply fantastic.

7.  The Shield Debut

-Arguably one of the greatest factions of all time debuted at this event in 2012. Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins would interfere in the main event and cause utter destruction. These three men are now the top guys in WWE and it all began on this night.

6. Goldberg defeats Brock Lesnar 

-Brock Lesnar has been built to be unbeatable, so many people (myself included) assumed there was no way a man who hasn’t wrestled in 12 years was going to beat the most unbeatable wrestler we’ve seen in years. We all thought Goldberg was gonna be in Suplex City and it was gonna be over but boy were we all wrong. Not only did Goldberg defeat Lesnar, he defeated him QUICKLY and DECISIVELY. The crowd erupted. This was such a shocker and honestly it was needed because we all thought the same old predicable outcome was coming.

5. Never Before Never Again

-Who would’ve thought two of the most charismatic entities in wrestling history would face each other. Who would've thought they would even team together? Well at Survivor Series 2011, that’s what we got. The Rock and John Cena TEAMED up to take on Miz and R Truth. Building hype for their eventual Wrestlemania 28 showdown, it was smart to keep people's minds on it with a match like this.

4. Debut of Kurt Angle

-The Olympic gold medalist made his debut at survivor series 1999. Kurt Angle would go on to have a hall of fame career and become one of the absolute best wrestlers of all time. This debut wasn't very eventful, but it was solid enough to let people know he had arrived.

3. Debut of Sting

-Sting is arguably the greatest wrestler that had never worked for WWE. At Survivor Series 2014, that all changed. Sting came out and the internet broke as the crowd erupted and things were never the same. Sting decided that it was time to finally make the jump and The Icon was finally in the building to our surprise and enjoyment.

2. The Rock Turns Heel 

-Survivor Series 1998 needed a big ending and what better way to end it off than having your new big time face completely surprise everyone by turning heel and winning the WWF Title, while also joining forces with the McMahon family? That was completely unexpected and exciting for many of us. This was also a career changing move for The Rock.

1. The Montreal Screwjob

-You knew this was coming. This is the most important moment because it changed a lot. Bret Hart left WWF. Vince became a heel after this. Shawn became champ and DX got stronger. Survivor Series has had a lot of great moments but this is the top of the mountain.

-Phranchize

Read More

Eyes on the Ring 11:35 PM  No comment

Eyes On WWE: 10 Of The Worst Booking Decisions

By @Phranchize19

Vince McMahon is a genius mostly (Editor's Note: He really isn't). He’s made some brilliant moves and some not so brilliant (Editor's Note: mostly not so brilliant). I’m gonna talk about 10 of the worst booking decisions he’s made. Mind you, this isn’t a complete list or the worst decisions, just 10 of the worst to me.

*Hulk Hogan Defeats Yokozuna For The WWF Title (Wrestlemania 9)

-McMahon loved Hogan. That was his guy, for a good reason though, as Hogan helped him become the success he is today. That love has caused for questionable decisions and this was one of them. Yokozuna was riding a wave of momentum, as was Bret Hart. Bret and Yokozuna had a fair main event but then after winning the title, Yokozuna’s manager Mr Fuji challenged Hogan to wrestle Yokozuna for the belt. No one ever does this so it was strange to begin with. No one had defeated Yokozuna up to that point and Hogan defeats him for the belt he just won in less than 30 seconds. That devalued the push both Bret and Yokozuna got as well as devalued the belt.

*Hulk Hogan Regains WWF Title From The Undertaker One Week After Losing 

-Undertaker was something different. He was refreshing. He held an undefeated streak and it led him to the title. Hogan’s popularity was clearly on the decline but McMahon didn’t care. The problem wasn’t so much Hogan winning the title back it was winning the title as quickly as he did. That devalued the belt and cut The Undertaker short to where he almost didn’t recover.

*Ted DiBiase Never Becoming WWF Champion

-Ted DiBiase is one of the best wrestlers ever as well as a top 10 heel. The decision for him to never be WWF champion baffles me. The strange part is he was actually booked to win the WWE title during the tournament at Wrestlemania 4 before it changed. 

*The End Of Summer of Punk 

-The entire summer of Punk was NOT a waste. Some of the most interesting storylines came from this storyline. However there are 3 things that were strange here. First, CM Punk wins the title at Summerslam but loses to Del Rio shortly after. Normally this is just to get the the briefcase cashed in but Del Rio cashes in and feuds with Cena. Next, Punk not only loses the belt, he then feuds with Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash. Lastly, when the match with Nash falls through, he goes on and feuds with Triple H and LOSES. Enough said.

*The Wrestlemania 2000 Main Event

-With Stone Cold Steve Austin out, McMahon had to call an audible for the main event. His two hottest guys at the time was The Rock and Triple H. Naturally, they should’ve headlined but McMahon decided to add Big Show and originally Chris Jericho but they gave his spot to Mick Foley. Not only was it a Fatal 4 Way but a McMahon was in every corner. The match was overbooked before it even began. The action in the wrong was overshadowed by the McMahon family drama. The main event should’ve been the main event we got at Backlash 2000.

*Undertaker’s Booking From 1992-1996

-After Undertaker lost his undefeated streak and the WWE title to Hulk Hogan, he foundered in a big way. Taker would squash Jake Roberts but then feud with the likes of Giant Gonzalez. After a decent feud with Yokozuna, he then had an uninspiring feud with the Million Dollar Team. After this, Taker would FINALLY get a feud that would probably have been considered the best feud of 1996 with Mankind. Had it not been for Mankind, Undertaker wouldn’t have probably become the legend that he is or at least found the right lane.

*Storyline Treatment Of Jim Ross

-Personally I felt the way Vince handled Jim Ross wasn’t right. Jim Ross would constantly get embarrassed from being beat up by the likes of Austin, Eric Bischoff, Triple H among others to being fired on TV or be embarrassed in general by guys like CM Punk. Jim Ross and Undertaker may be the most liked and respected individuals in the wrestling industry and I felt Vince treated JR unfairly. His booking as an on air personality was never right.

*Legion of Doom Booking

-The Road Warriors are considered by many to be the greatest tag team ever (personally I feel Hardyz and Dudleyz have surpassed them but that’s another story). LOD won the tag titles in WWE but their reigns were rather unforgettable. While I agree that those guys were supposed to put over teams at that stage in their careers (New Age Outlaws), they didn't book them as too much of a threat at any point. Road Warriors dominated every tag division they set foot in but their WWE runs were largely pedestrian at best.

*The "Divas" Division 

-We are seeing women’s wrestling at its apex. But once upon a time, women were seen as eye candy and that’s all. The Attitude Era would be a prime example where Sable was the face of the division without being a competent wrestler. From there, it got better during  2002-2008. Once Trish, Lita, and others retired, Vince tried to give us Kelly Kelly as the face of the division, which was all bad. Thankfully, Vince saw the light (Editor's Note: Triple H handles most of that) and we have a great era now.

*Stone Cold Steve Austin Heel Turn At Wrestlemania 17

This may have been the worst booking decision (Editor's Note: It actually was a good decision in the end). Austin’s career never recovered after this heel turn (Editor's Note: Actually, it got an added dimension thanks to the heel turn, it's the injuries and booking that messed him up) which turned him from bad ass to a McMahon disciple. Austin becoming friends with his biggest rival was already bad enough but playing guitar and buttering up McMahon made it absolutely horrendous to watch (Editor's Note: All of this was entertaining TV and helped Austin out of a box). By the time Austin turned face again, the damage was already done (Editor's Note: Austin and WHAT? were immensely popular after the heel turn so I'm not sure what Phranchize means here).

Whether or not you agree with Phranchize on these or not, these all make for a compelling discussion on the logic of WWE booking and the ramifications of it. Let us know your thoughts on this list.

-Phranchize

Read More

Eyes on the Ring 2:02 AM  No comment

WIRTB Review: King of the Ring 1995

Guess who's back, back again? SOTB!!!'s back, tell a friend.

After some EOTR Role Reversal Roulette, I've returned with a somewhat easy WIRTB Review (don't worry, I'm going to get back to the Souled Out series...maybe. I mean, even I can only take but so much punishment). In 1995, WWE sucked more than Sunny in an ECW locker room. 1995 WWE sucked more than a fifty-nine year-old former porn star usually does at trying to portray herself as a squirter...or halfway attractive from the asshole up at this point (and even then, we're completely pushing it). 1995 WWE sucked more than the hookers on St. Paul Street in Baltimore around 5:30 in the morning. Hell, I'd even put the International Incident and 1996 WWE higher than 1995 WWE. At least by 1996, we knew that WWE blew loads and lowered our expectations accordingly. Plus, 1996 WWE at least had the first "Austin 3:16" promo.

Yes, it does, Stone Cold. Yes, it does.

Anyway, let's get into it. Live from Philadelphia, PA, it's King of the Ring 1995 aka The Fat Ass That Gravity Forgot.

Our first match of the evening is Savio Vega and Yokozuna with Razor Ramon and Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette in their respective corners. This match is for the KOTR quarterfinal. There's nothing to this match really. Savio gets the win subbing for an injured Razor. Yay, I guess. My give-a-fuck-ometer is already reaching empty. Savio was never a bad or good talent. He just...existed in WWF/E.

Next up? The Roadie Dogg--err, I mean, The Roadie and Bob Holly. This match was solid, until the finish. The finish was just...no. Just no. Did Vic Venom have a hand in this one? Nope. Russo didn't become part of creative until 1996. This is all...well, who-the-fuck-ever was in charge at this point.

Afterwards, Shawn Michaels and Kama end up fighting to a draw. Now, let me get this straight: one of your hottest talents in the company, he draws. But, he draws to a man who, at this point, is still relatively low-card. He fights to a draw with the Proto-Boogeyman. He fights to a draw with the Ho-less Ho-Train-engineering Godfather. He...y'know what, it can't get worse, right? Michaels lost, but at least Kama is a fucking menacing force, somewhat. He's a big black guy, and we all know big black guys in WWF are usually fucking menacing savages who kill everything in sight...and whatnot.

But, it can't get worse, right?

I think that the Wrestling Gods hate me because I forgot that this was the PPV where Mabel defeated The Undertaker. The fucking Undertaker, a legend, a wrestling god, was defeated by a man who was essentially a jobber that got a bigger chance because he was a bargain bin Kamala (in other words, big black guy who you could portray as an angry big black guy with savage tendencies). Seriously, Nelson Frazier, later in his career, may he RIP, was able to do his own thing. But here? He's Kamala mixed with PN News. 

Plus, his matches at this point were more botch-prone than a Survivor Series 5-on-5 match with 10 Bella Twins clones and Summer Rae officiating. I mean, for fuck's sake, he (maybe, per Kevin Nash) injured Rikishi! If you're out there injuring the Samoans, you know you're fucking up. They're supposed to be impenetrable. He even broke Taker's orbital bone, which led to Phantom of the Opera Taker, but still. Nevertheless, Mabel defeated Taker to move on to the KOTR Final.

After that bit of infinite sadness, we're treated to, essentially, a nothing match between Savio and Roadie--even though it determines who goes to the KOTR Final. It wasn't bad, it wasn't good. It just existed. Even though Savio was booked to be the underdog, I couldn't get behind him--at all. Maybe it was the "Batista/Roman Reigns winning the Royal Rumble over Daniel Bryan" vibe that the Mabel/Taker match had, but I could've given zero shits about this match--and that still would've been too many.

After the previous PPV (IYH 1, which I WIRTB'ed a few months ago), we get yet another Lawler/Hart match because everyone in the land brayed with glee at the idea being tossed in our faces again. This time, we get a Kiss My Feet match. What is it with Vince and having one grown man kiss another grown man's body part? I mean, yeesh. There have been countless "Kiss My Ass" matches over the years for no damn reason other than "hurr-durr, sophomoric humor. Derppp Vince like this, so let's keep at it." Hell, Lawler's been involved in a good portion of these clusterfucks.

Now, I wouldn't be as mad at this match if it were kind of a quick squash. But, it goes on for almost ten minutes. That's not even counting the fact that the feud itself had gone on for years before this! At least from this match and feud, we got Isaac Yankem, D.D.S., who evolved into Kane (but not before some sort of match involving a shark cage?!) and still trolls the upper-midcard to this day. Seriously. People talk about Big Show being involved too much. Have you jackholes met Kane?! Even when he's used up his last bit of usefulness, WWE pumps life back into him, injects him into an upper-midcard-to-main-event-level feud/storyline, and lets him linger up there for months (sometimes years) on end. Why? Because they don't have shit else to do with him and they feel bad letting him ease off into the sunset because he's KANE! But, it can't get worse...right?!

We still have close to twenty-five minutes left in this fuckery. However, for the PPV to be called King of the Ring, the KOTR match isn't the main event. That's like having WrestleMania and having the main event be Machine Gun Kelly perform some shit-tastic "rap" music. Or like having Machine Gun Kelly, a skinny white guy who Kevin Owens could probably pick up and murderize with one hand in real life should it ever come to that, pretty much no-sell a pop-up powerbomb (the move which has knocked out quite a few Superstars thus far, including Jesus Juan Cena) like the piece of shit asshat that he is.

KO: "Lace up?" How about "lay down?"

Our last two matches feature 6 talents and maybe one of which can actually move in the ring in a way that doesn't look clunky, clumsy, or tears quads (there! Speed on the Beat finally made a quad joke. Now, I must be part of the IWC, right?!). 

First up, the KOTR Final which sees Mabel defeat Savio Vega to a sea of "ECW!" chants. Now, just last month, Savio was being pushed as a new breed of superstar. He saved Razor Ramon for fuck's sake. Now, four matches into the night (ugh), he's cannon fodder for Mabel? Ok, WWF. I'll bite. Where can I get the crack that you were smoking on twenty years ago? On top of giving Mabel the KOTR title, he ends up getting his top heel billing stripped because he wasn't ready and was dangerous in-ring? Sounds like someone from the past couple years, right? You'd think that WWE would learn from their mistakes once in a fucking while. But, noooooooo. We still get Ryback challenging for the WWE Championship a couple months into his main roster career, failing, getting repackaged ten times, then potentially finding his niche as an upper-midcarder who could still be a competent champion if booked correctly. We still get FAT ASSES pushed to the moon because they're big and tall and look larger than life, even though they move like shit. 

Newsflash, Vince and others. André the Giant, even in his later career, could wrestle circles around Big Show. Why? Many of the super big men of today aren't as agile or as good. It's like they, meaning the Wrestling Gods, stopped making 6'6"+ men who could still go in their mid 30s into their forties since they hit perfection with The Undertaker. He has the bigness of an André. He had the agility of an oversized Shawn Michaels. He can walk the fucking top rope. Sure, his matches against Brock and Bray have been meh. But, wouldn't your matches be meh too if you only went at it once a year? 

You know what? Fuck the last match. Just...no. Fuck it. The field in which I grow my fucks for Tatanka has been barren since I first saw his Indigenous American Ultimate Warrior ass as a kid. And, I don't think we need to ask the question I always pose. Fuck yes, it was that bad. From top to bottom, it was horrid. It was putrid. It was just shit. I'm about to break my WIRTB sobriety after this fuckery.

Read More

Eyes on the Ring 10:10 AM  No comment

WIRTB Review: IYH 3

Oh, New Generation. I really wish that I didn't have to perform defecatory services upon your lifeless corpse. However, you just make it so easy. I'm Speed on the Beat and welcome to yet another WIRTB Review, the EOTR series where I make up my own acronyms and review the crap, so you don't have to. I've taken a break from my Game of Thrones binge-a-thon to cover an event that screams "my little brother booked this in WWE 2k15 because he thought it'd be a great idea to do to give John Cena and Roman Reigns complete reign over the WWE." I'm talking about, as mentioned, In Your House 3 a/k/a the one where we got three belts, one match, and a couple years of WTF afterwards.

If you ever had to make a case for "backstage politics," look no further than this match. And, yes, I'm anticipating Shawn Michaels to superkick the block button on Twitter to block me after this one. Strangely, I'm cool with that. Because this main event shouldn't have happened--video game or otherwise. Anyway, let's get into the matches. Let's run down the dark matches.

Goldust def. Bob Holly: Goldy is at his goofy cartoon stage, but still not completely at his weird sexually open self that we see in the Attitude Era.
Ahmed Johnson def. Skip: Uh,,,enough said. Next,
Fatu def. Hunter Hearst Helmsley: And Rikishi didn't even do it for The Rock this time.
Taker def. Mabel: Because the world asked for this feud, right?

Our first non-darkie (and that sounded so less racist in my head) pits Savio Vega versus Waylon Mercy. In other words, OG Sin Cara's push versus 2015 Bray Wyatt. Savio wins, because reasons that include Waylon (get it? Wailin' [for] Mercy? It's genius!) leaving WWF after this match. But, at least Waylon damn near kills Savio with a brainbuster, right? Because what's more important: not killing the guy in the ring or trying out something new to get over/piss someone off?

Fuck this next match. It's shit. No, literally, there's (kayfabe?) pig slop and shit just around the ring because it's everyone's 274th favorite hillbilly Henry Godwin versus Sycho Sid. First, how the hell did Sid go from being a major contributor to the Next Generation to...this? Well, people stopped giving a shit. That, plus injuries, and him joining the Million Dollar Corporation with...Tatanka. So, again. Fuck this match.

Owen Hart leaves the arena. Smart man, that Owen Hart.

There's something resembling a match between BBB and British Bulldog that they're hyping to come on next, but I'm already saying fuck this company. And that's usually reserved for WCW. BBB doesn't give a shit...at all. Why should I? BBB's big moves get countered and little to no pops. BB's moves get little to no heat. And I give little to no fucks.

Shane Douglas and Razor go up next. Something something punch, something something Razor's edge, something something 1-2-3 Kid run-in to advance his feud with Razor.

Bret Hart wrestles a pirate. No, I shit you not. Bret Hart wrestles Jean-Pierre LaFitte, a guy who was supposedly related to a real pirate. He wore an eye patch for his glass eye and everything. He also tagged with The Mountie at one point. The match was decent, but I couldn't care much considering what came before it and what came after it.

So, with that said, let's get into our main event. Owen Hart left because his wife was preggers. Guess who he's replaced by? The British Bulldog. So, in our main event, we've got Diesel and HBK (WWF and IC Champs respectively) versus Yoko and BB (Tag Team Champions) for a "one ring to rule them all" match. Whichever team won, they'd win all the belts. Or something like that. I watched it on the Network and I'm still slightly confused by it. Anyway, Bulldog spends most of this match getting destroyed. Yoko puts everything in a rest hold. All is lost for a dirty screwjobby finish until...OWEN HART COMES BACK!

And then gets pinned by Diesel.

Nothing about this PPV made sense. At all. It's like having sex with a woman made of barbed wire. The insanity doesn't hurt less the closer you get to the finish. If anything, it's made more insane that you'd put yourself through such stupidity.

Read More

Eyes on the Ring 2:23 PM  No comment

WIRTB Review: WCW Mayhem 1999

Ok, so In Your House One, it was bad. It really was that bad. But, it still wasn't Superbrawl bad. True, we got Mabel, but we didn't have to deal with...James Brown and--what do y'know?--Sid Vicious. So, I've been tasked today with reviewing a PPV that honestly scares the crap out of me.

I'm SOTB!!!, I'm not drinking, and this is WIRTB Review, where I review the crap, so you don't have to.

In 1999, wrestling was in a flux. It was possibly at its biggest peak. I mean, this was the year that Foley put a lot of butts in seats. This was the year that the Fingerpoke of Doom happened (as horrible as it was, it still made people tune in). This was the year that ECW had a national show. So, let's be real. 1999 was a great time to be a wrestling fan.

And then, we had Mayhem 1999, a PPV also known for being part of the Malcolm in the Middle title sequence (right after the flaming skiier, for those who are wondering).

We begin today's show with a rundown of the events that set-up this insanity. Sting, who at this point was a heel, was stripped of the WCW World Heavyweight championship after, well, being Sting and using his bat to beat people. Because of this, WCW sanctioned a brawl-for-all to crown a new champion. We had Norman Smiley in this tourney. We had Bret Hart. We even had Madusa in there, since I guess she was supposed to be WCW's answer to Chyna at this point, going up against Chris Benoit. We had Meng. Pretty much, anyone who was able to actually lace up, they got the call from WCW to go out there and do whatever they needed to make this interesting.

"We can do this nice and easy...or we can do this nice and rough."
"You will feel the wrath of what silent but violent is all about."

These are either quotes from some SicFlics parody of Fifty Shades of Grey under the "Brutal Dildos" banner starring some random black girl with an insanely large marital aid and a Hitachi Wonder Wand...or Sting and Benoit going on about their title shots tonight. Just off the insane amount of pyro WCW used to start, I guess to get the crowd hyped up, I wish that I was watching the SicFlics thing. Don't judge me.

Our first match of the evening is Benoit versus Jarrett. Now, you'll know that, if you're watching this on the Network, you can't search for anything related to Benoit. But, the match was solid. It wasn't bad, it wasn't good. It was just ok. Benoit got the win.

Next up?

"HE'S THE DISCO KING!" Disco Inferno comes out and I lose it. I've never marked out so hard for a wrestler. This guy was the greatest wrestler of all-time. Now that my sarcasm is out the way, Disco Inferno comes out and is promptly attacked by his opponent, Evan of 3 Count. Evan beats the crap out of Disco to start. Tony Marinara a/k/a Tony Mamaluke starts off with the worst faked Joisey accent I've heard, talking about how Glenn Gilbertti owes him money and he better pay what he owes or fishes and cement will be his friend.

Oh, late-generation WCW. You and your edginess of using real names.

See, there was a reason why "this is Phil Brooks versus Paul Levesque" worked or Scott Hall being Scott Hall worked. It was done in a way that's like "oh, shit. These guys are fed up. Let's watch." It felt real. Having Tony Marinara (stereotype much?) call Disqo (that was a thing, BTW, because Disco Inferno went heel and wanted to be a bit more blackish...or some foolishness) by his government name, on the other hand, is just like "oh, ok. We're trying to connect with the smart fans a little too much, but, fuck it. WCW, I guess you're in too deep. So, let's have Vince Russo call everyone jobbers and have Tony Schiavone say 'we just got swerved.'" And while Disco apparently had some real-life gambling problems, it just doesn't connect here--at all.

We see that Medusa has see-through pants, then Evan gets the win after Disco fucks around and hits Tony with a steel chair.

What? Ok, I'm one match in and stuff is already starting to not make any sort of sense. Not only that, but the match itself was putridly awful. We may have a new contender for WIRTB's Worst of the Worst.

Next, we've got Nasty Brian Knobbs and Norman Smiley in a hockey get up. Knobbs beats the hell out of Smiley with trash cans and Norman starts screamin'. I legit cracked up at his screams through this match, because they're oversold in a Ziggler-meets-Rollins-meets-Mr.-Perfect sort of way.

Anywho, Norman starts beating Knobbs in the head with the trashcan and starts beating him with his goalie stick. A "Heyman is God" sign appears as Knobbs begins to de-robe Norman and whatnot. Jimmy Hart gets involved (because that's what managers do), attacking Norman. Norman is then beaten outside the ring and up the walkway in some of the most-telegraphed offense I've ever seen. Seriously, Smiley turns around and waits for the can shots for two, three seconds before they come. Once backstage, Norman hits Knobbs with a broom, which results in...more trashcan shots. We get a table spot (Norman goes in obviously), and some more "brawling" between the two.

Knobbs, for some unknown reason, starts tossing food at Norman. I guess this is where WWF got their idea for Stone Cold beating Booker T through the supermarket. Norman and Knobbs get thrown into the elevator, which results in Hart hitting Knobbs when the doors open. Norman wins the battle, but Knobbs wins the war, as he just beats the unholy beezeebus out of Jimmy Hart and Norman.

Remember what I said about Madusa being "WCW Chyna?" False. That "honor" goes to Asya. And she's in our next match: The Revolution versus The Filthy Animals. But, first, Tony Marinara tells Disco he's bringing "the boys" tomorrow to Nitro and Jeff Jarrett has a 2x4 for...someone.

Anywhooo, Filthy Animals versus Revolution in an elimination tag match. Dean Malenko almost kicking a fan's ass was better than most of this match. It was a clusterfuck, in every sense of the word. Overbooked to high hell, a dead crow for the most part, botched spots, Konnan leaving, horrible tag team moves by Saturn and Asya, et cetera. A sign in the front, "who booked this crap," speaks my sentiments exactly. It's pretty much made to put Asya over, but Asya gets put out on by a Guerrero frog splash. Guess how this match ends?

A low-blow...to Torrie Wilson.

So, for one of the first times that I've seen, we get the mystical clit knuckle. It's just as incapacitating as a nutshot, but usually even more banned, since we don't want to promote attacking women's sexualized parts in wrestling (even though, y'know, tit shots and lady atomic drops are normal). But, to have Perry Saturn, a tough guy, win the match in such a punk way? Sheer stupidity.

Anywho, our announcers put over the event (lulz) as Buff Bagwell gets stomped out by Jeff Jarrett, The Powers that Be and Creative Control (again with the "realism," WCW?) for about half-a-minute. A few seconds later, Curt Hennig comes out for his match with Buff to some of the most basic entrance music ever.

At this point, Curt gives no fucks and it shows. He's still amazing, even when he gives no fucks. But, he obviously gives no fucks here. And, guess what? HE GETS STOMPED OUT TOO! So, how many of these matches have begun with either a schmozz or outside interference? Every...fucking...one. The match itself wasn't bad. It just wasn't good. Hennig gives no fucks and is having more fun talking with Heenan. And Buff? Well, he's Buff. After about four minutes, the Gigolo gets the win with a Blockbuster.

I'm five matches in and I'm already tired of the BS.

Next up? Bret versus Sting. Sting starts off by selling HBK-versus-Hogan-style, flying around to each ounce of Bret offense. After this, Sting takes control. That seems to be a problem with 1998-2001 WCW (and 2015 WWE at times), specifically in "big matches." It's very "face gets some shots in, then the heel, then the face, then..." Pretty much, whoever the announcers don't talk about that much during the match, he's the guy who tends to end up winning, after the face/heel/face/back-and-forth foolishness. Bret starts Hulking Up because Canada, but Sting shuts him down. Tony Schiavone calls this a "very technical match" and...just, no. This match has been anything but technical. We get possibly the sign of the night in "DESTINEYS CHILD AND TLC ARE LESBIANS."

I guess that's what "Waterfalls" was really about...

And, of course, we get another interference, with The Total Package (Lex Luger) running in and attacking Sting. The ref calls for the bell after Bret puts the sharpshooter on TTP. This leads to Sting being disqualified and Bret wanting to continue, completely forgetting that he (if he wins) has another match against Benoit tonight...yep.

Fuck this company.

Bret gets the "by the book" win with a sharpshooter.

Afterwards, Berlyn comes out to a horrible "O Fortuna" cover/re-vision thingy for his match against Vampiro, which is apparently a dog collar match. Berlyn, for those that don't remember/don't care, is Das Wunderkind Alex Wright repackaged as this Blade-meets-Matrix-meets-sadness-meets-Columbine German dude with...THEEEEE WAAAAAAAALL (get it? Berlyn...Wall? Berlin...Wall?)! It's still insane to think that Alex Wright is still under forty. But, lo and behold, he's not over the hill just yet (May 2015). It's also insane that, even though WCW toned the gimmick down, they thought it'd be a good idea post-Columbine, to have a white guy in all black with a trenchcoat-looking thing come out, all dark and shit and try to get over. It's like how WWF used an Owen Hart-like approach to Chyna's "injury" at Royal Rumble 2001.

And, oh hell...here comes Oklahoma with Dr. Death. This match is already doomed.

I skipped this one, honestly, because Oklahoma is literally the worst character in WCW at this point. And that's saying a lot, considering KISS Demon and other schmucks. I caught Vampiro, however, tossing Berlyn like a sack of potatoes. Vampiro got the win on a chain-aided camel clutch. Dr. Death jumps in the ring, does his best Stone Cold impersonation, and starts beating Vampiro and Jerry Only before asking for a beer. I had to watch this whole thing on mute, because Oklahoma makes me want to hurl my computer through a window.

Scott Hall Ramon gives a promo that involves him telling someone to suck it. Hennig leaves out and tosses water at Konnan. And we're told that Kimberly is going to go against David Flair. Ugh.

So, The Total Package versus Meng is our next fight. Straight out of the early 1990s, TTP has a neck injury and is being punished by The Powers That Be. Or something. I honestly stopped giving a crap. Meng wins on botched interference from Elizabeth (which just pisses him off and makes him destroy TTP some more), since Meng is the hitman of the century. Every time I've seen Meng in one of these WIRTB Reviews, he's beaten the low, unholy hell out of his opponent, even without doing much. Plus, y'know, biting noses off and making Little Caesar's seem badass usually leads to me giving props when props are due.

Scott Hall doesn't look so good in his pre-match promo with Booker T (for the US and TV titles). I'm not the one to try to intentionally discredit someone, but he looks fucked up as shit right here. He sounds it, too. This match was pretty standard late-90s WCW. Lots of interference (of fucking course), Scott Hall winning but still looking pretty fucked up, Jeff Jarrett, SCOTTTTTTT HALLLLLLLL ring announcer, rip-off Undertaker music for...Midnight, a black woman who's kicking ass. Yay.

We go back to ringside for a "Nelvana Sucks!" sign, for some hilariously insane reason, and some fat Weeknd-looking guy with his fat Edge friend throwing up "gang signs" and facially masturbating himself. Our fun is ended, though, when David Flair, doing his best Eminem-meet-Norman-Bates impersonation, comes out with a crowbar (remember him?) to face Kimberly. Kimberly lowblows him, David gets the crowbar, knocks out the ref (of...fucking...COURSE!), and stands over Kimberly with the crowbar. This shit is uncomfortable as hell. Kimberly steals David's cup and begins to lowblow David again and deliver some of the worst offense in wrestling history. Yes, worse than Paisley versus Sunny. 

David gets back up with the crowbar and is about to beat Kimberly until...POSITIVELY CHRIS KANYON comes out to beat David and DDP delivers the Diamond Cutter. As DDP is about to beat David with the crowbar (that thing's gotta be pretty dirty now), Arn Anderson comes out and tells DDP to stand down as Arn checks on David. And, of course, this ends badly. Why? David hits AA in the back with the crowbar (what?) and runs through the crowd, Roman Reigns-style.

Goldberg versus Sid Vicious have our next-to-last match tonight...in an "I Quit" match. Interesting sidenote, this match is about a month to the date before Goldberg damn near kicked Bret Hart's head off for reals. However, this match is the equivalent of Goldberg versus Lesnar, if both Goldberg and Lesnar were about 50. Goldberg wins with the Cobra Clutch.

And finally, we get our main event: Chris Benoit versus Bret Hart. Montreal versus Calgary. Dungeon Trainee versus Dungeon Trainee. Two of the greatest technicians of our time, even with...everything that's happened with Benoit. The match is a decent back and forth affair...until every...fucking...body runs in to send this match to a clusterfuck. The match itself was solid, just like the opening match, but it just fell flat for me. And that's even before the run-ins.

So, Benoit matches aside, we're at that point of our post where we ask the question: was it really that bad?

Yes. Oklahoma, in terms of sheer depression, trumps Mabel's appearances in WWF. Scott Hall was loaded like a semi-automatic. Disco Inferno had kayfabe broken to make it more "real," but it just came off as more laughable. Plus, RUN-INS OUT THE ASS! 

So, in closing, I'm SOTB!!! and this has been another--wait a second, I just realized something. I was supposed to review Mayhem 2000, which apparently is the Heroes of Wrestling to Mayhem 1999's WM 30. Oh, crap...

Well, we know where we're going next. Until next time, remember: I review the crap, so you don't have to.

Read More

Eyes on the Ring 8:19 AM  No comment

WIRTB Review: In Your House #1

It's me, it's me, it's the guy who reviews the crap so you don't have to, Speed on the Beat back for another edition of WIRTB Review. Today, thankfully, I've been spared the dubious honor of, as Joe put it "messing around and getting on smack" after reviewing the Souled Out series for another day. Today's review comes to us by way of True God. So, we know he won't purposefully try to have me jump out of my window.

::looks at title::

The rumors of my death have not been greatly exaggerated, at all.

Live from May 14, 1995, it's In Your House #1, WWF's venture into monthly pay-per-views to generate additional interest for the WWF after the federation had seen some of its worst days in the "New Generation." Because of the successes of the IYH series, we have the modern WWE PPV schedule. So, in about three weeks, when you're watching Roman Reigns crush your dreams and mine, you'll have 1995's In Your House #1 to thank for that.

Our main event of the evening is Diesel/Kevin Nash versus Sycho Sid for the WWF Title. We also have Yokozuna and Owen Hart versus the Smoking Gunns for the tag team titles. Razor Ramon versus Double J and Road Do--I mean, the Roadie, Adam Bomb versus Mabel, and Bret Hart versus Hakushi and Jerry "The KANG!" Lawler. Oooh, and we'll see who the WWF is "giving" a house away to.

After our promo, we're taken to ringside with VINCE MCMAHON, screaming as if he's trying to coach a box of kittens off a roof, and Dok Hendrix (Michael Hayes) looking as ignorant, moronic and racist as ever.

Speaking of racist, the "Modern Day Kamikaze" Hakushi and Shinja are out next for Bret Hart's first match. Now, Hakushi's theme is actually kind of bad-ass. But, the presentation of Hakushi and all just makes for sheer coonery, to quote True.

But, at least he was actually Japanese. Unlike Tensai.

Bret Hart dedicates an ass-whooping to his mom. I know that, if I got my mom the gift of me beating the crap out of a Japanese man, I think she'd just wonder if I've completely lost it. But, different strokes, I guess. Yay foreigners as heels because Amurican nationalism (even though Bret has been pretty damn Canadian). Bret and Hakushi telegraph flippy-do shit to begin. We then get a test of strength and a smidgen of chain wrestling. This match isn't bad, it's just mind-numbingly boring, full of botches and telegraphed offense (and a Hakushi headbutt that clearly missed its mark that Bret didn't even bother to sell), and Dox rambling on like the moron he is.

Too bad Shinja isn't Shinji or he could just get into his giant mommy-robot and end the world.

It's still not Superbrawl 2000 bad, though (yet).

Bret wins with a victory roll but twists his knee in the process of coming out of the ring. Make note of that.

We go backstage for a 1-900 promo with Alundra Blayze that's interrupted by The Puppy Man, Jerry Lawler, hyping up his match...again. Lawler talks his shit until it's announced that Bret's about to come down. This leads to him pulling out a beeper (yay 1990s hilarity) and saying his mom's calling him. We get introductions for the next match and we're back in the ring.

Double J and The Roadie versus Razor Ramon.

I forgot how much of an overseller Jarrett could be. He gets hit by Razor punches that turn him completely inside out. Razor continues to beat the stripes off of Jarrett. Roadie attacks Razor. Dox mocks Razor's accent because borderline racism FTW. Something to this effect continues for most of the match. Interesting sidenote: this match was supposed to feature the 1-2-3 Kid. But, because of injuries, we got this handicapped handicap match. The match's beginning and end weren't bad. The middle of the match is the problem. It's just boring. This match wasn't horrible, just...boring.

What pushes this match into WIRTB territory is its end. After Razor scores the pin post-Razor's Edge, Jarrett and Roadie then start beating Razor down. Who, in 1995 WWF, would you want to come out for the save? Aldo Montoya or anyone else? Apparently, WWF didn't listen, since we get Aldo coming out, getting stomped out as well, and sent on his way. To showcase how bad this era was in terms of legitimate stars, Aldo received a pretty big pop. Aldo is great as Justin Credible. But here? He looks like 2015 Rey Mysterio and Adam Bomb had a baby.

Just...no. Anyway, post-Aldo beatdown, we get (for yet another unknown reason) Savio Vega, Razor's "old friend" or something, coming out as a "fan" and beating the hell out of Roadie. It's like 1998 all over again, but in reverse. After he's carted away by the cops, we get another King promo. This time, he's arguing with Jack Tunney trying to get his match pushed up in the card. But, screw this, because we get a SYCHO SID video package full of Sid doing his best to have some sort of Heath Ledger-era Joker fit. It's pretty convincing. Joke all you want about Sid sucking at life when it came to promos (because he really did), but he could play the silent, crazy mofo better than almost anyone.

Next match, Mabel versus Adam Bomb in a KOTR Qualifier. Nope. Fuck this. We have one of the WWF's first non-big four PPV and we have Mabel versus Adam Bomb. I would've rather seen the West Texas Rednecks duet with The Roadie on a "Rap is Crap" remix. Mabel gets the sloppy squash in about a minute and a half. And, in case you forgot, Mabel went on to win KOTR 1995 against...The Undertaker.

And they said that Vince has never pushed the blacks. That's not true. He just usually doesn't push the blacks who have real talent. I know what you're thinking. "But, Speed. Mabel/Viscera/Big V/Nelson Fraizer, Jr is dead. It's a dick move to speak ill of the dead." But, Mabel just wasn't very good, dead or not. The crowd hates this move, and I don't think it's because they're white either.

Backstage, we get Razor putting over Savio as "the biggest star from the Caribbean." But, what about...oh, I forgot. WWF fans are supposed to be stupid and know nothing other than WWF. Now, Savio is great and is quite accomplished. But, biggest star from the Caribbean? Nah. Anyway, we go back to the ring for Yoko/Owen versus the Smoking Gunns.

One thing I've always wondered is this: if WWF wanted sumo wrestlers, why couldn't they just go to Japan, say "hi sumo, we will respect your awesomeness, but we'd like for you to come into our 'it's still real to a few, dammit' atmosphere and slapbox with Shawn Michaels, E Honda-style" and set something up? Why did they have to always get Samoan wrestlers to play these types of roles? Anywho, this match is boring. It's akin to modern-day WWE where you'll see a match during a PPV that could've just been shown on Smackdown. However, unlike today, 1995 WWF didn't have the luxury of any pre-show matches that could've been shown there. Yoko and Owen get the win.

A few promos, including a highly creepy one from Lawler, later and we're back to the ring. Jerry "THE KANG!" Lawler and Bret Hart are finally squaring up to kick each other's head in (again). This should be great, right? What's that, you say? This match ends up being sheer stupidity, with the anti-American Hakushi teaming up with Jerry Lawler to beat Bret Hart, who then all run out with Lawler's "mom," who's really some twenty-something that, I guess, is kind of meant to parody Lawler's sex stuff?

Next.

Oh, look! They finally are giving away the house. This is done by Todd Pettengill and Stephanie Wiand kinda being weird and calling some guy to give the house away. Wonder if they actually let him keep it.

Now, I'll be honest. The main event of this match, I just poured up a shot of rubbing alcohol, put a lime on it, and chugged. Why? Because that's the only way I'd be able to say that Sycho Sid and Diesel were able to have a great match. And, ya know what? Even after that, I still can't say it. This is the equivalent of 2015 Kane versus 2015 Big Show, slowed down even more so. Diesel is pretty much 1995 Roman Reigns in the way he's over. So, I guess that makes Sid...um...I don't know. The match is mostly punches and restholds. Oh, and get this. WWF must've traveled 20 years into the future because your main event for the evening ends in a DQ.

Yep. I don't even think we need to ask the question. Sycho Sid and Diesel main-eventing and ending in a DQ, Savio Vega (without his Kwang attire, no less), and Mabel. In one PPV. We know that this era of WWF/WWE was kind of bad. Look at this PPV for proof of it.

Read More

Eyes on the Ring 2:25 PM  No comment