WIRTB Review: John Cena

I know what you're thinking. "First, Speed says the Attitude Era wasn't that amazeballs and now this?! Clearly, Speed's trolling for EOTR page views." To that, I'd say:

1. If I were trolling for click bait, I'd post nothing but AJ Lee ass and Seleziya Sparx twerk GIFs in my posts.
2. If I were truly trolling, I'd offer an opinion and not actually go into detail about why I feel that way. 

So, no. I'm not trolling. I just have different opinions. Sue me. Anyway, now that we got that bullshit out the way, I'm Speed on the Beat and this is WIRTB Review.

Today, we're going to take a look at one of the most polarizing figures in WWE today, Jaaaaaaaaahn Ceeeeeeena, and really figure out if (or at least, give another opinion to whether) he's really as bad as many in the Internet Wrestling Community have made him out to be. For this, we will look at his character/gimmick, promo ability, and his match quality. We won't trot out cancer-stricken kids, because, even if Cena was a dick IRL as advertised, his charity work is pretty amazing.

Cena's Character:
From that main roster debut against Kurt Angle, we were given the outline of who Cena was supposed to be.

He was supposed to be a plucky, in-your-face asshole (with, at times, a heart of gold) who wanted to prove he was the best--against any and everyone who came across him. This was, of course, even after he'd beaten everyone he needed to beat--sometimes, twice, thrice, or twenty-five times over. He used his skills to pay the bills and trotted out some increasingly dated slang every now and again to make sure people knew he was "down." That's cool, to a degree. That's who Cena is. And, if that's who he is in real life, as corny as it may be? I'm cool with it.

But, the thing is this: in the thirteen years since Cena debuted against Angle, the only thing that's changed about him, character-wise, is his ring attire. Oh, and his theme song. He still has that angry (but somehow still emotionless), constipated face when he's about to kick some ass or rise above hate. He still uses those dated hip-hop tropes, which are now even more embarrasing than ever. And he still uses that "hustle, loyalty, respect" tagline, which has surpassed even "say your prayers and eat your vitamins" in terms of its hokey-ness.

He has not evolved very much over the years, unless you want to consider the idea that because Cena hasn't changed, his character is supposed to now be the old man who doesn't want to let go of his glory and tells these damn kids to get off his lawn. In sports and "sports entertainment," most greats evolve their character/persona to adapt to the changing times. Hell, even Hulk got rid of the vitamins at one point. We see hints of a more aggressive Cena. We even saw Juan Cena. But any hope of Cena changing is quickly quashed with his promos.

Cena's Promos:
Speaking of promos, Cena isn't bad per se at delivering promos. He's competent, for the most part. The key word, of course, being "competent." He isn't Heyman, but he doesn't make us suffer through succotash. However, when he fails, however, he fails hard. And we get promos such as this gem from 2013 (a promo so bad, even WWE brass apparently shat bricks over it)...

Or this one...

Or...you know what? You get the point. Cena promos, they usually suck in terms of relevancy or actually being good. But, they're still not that bad. Except promos like these, the "I do Make-a-Wish, so I'm better than you" ones, and those "SHADDUP [insert name here]" angry Cena promos. Those are the drizzling shits. Additionally, many of his "face" promos come off quite heelish, such as his assassination of Michael Cole's character and manhood circa 2012.

So, lemme get this straight. You have a man, who is the face of your company and teaches people to rise above hate, embarrassing a man who's smaller than him. Yes, Cole egged him on and Cole kind of deserved to get a smack or two. But, Cena, the face in the promo, the guy who kids are supposed to look up to, not only beats Michael Cole. John Cena, the guy who Kevin Owens' kid looks up to (kayfabe?), strips Cole and proceeds to pour condiments onto him while he's trying to crawl away from Cena. It's like a PG gay-for-pay version of Sunny's Wrestling Vixxxens photoshoot (that'll be the only Sunny joke you get out of me...I think). And we, the fans, were all supposed to cheer. For what? The big guy bullying the smaller guy just because the smaller guy said some mean things? Come the fuck on, WWE! For a company that has touted B A Star (especially in 2012), you're sure as shit letting that star burn out.

Yeesh...it's not looking good for John Felix Anthony Cena.

Cena's Matches:

I've talked with True and other wrestling fans about this on and off. The consensus is this. Cena can have great matches. Cena/Punk at MITB 2011 was a GOAT match. Cena/Edge usually never disappointed. Cena/Bryan at SummerSlam 2013 was pretty up there as well. And we can't forget his hour-long match with HBK, as it was damn near legendary. I'd even go as far to say that Owens/Cena at Elimination Chamber is a contender for (WWE) MOTY.

However, it feels, more often than not, that Cena phones in performances. He's very inconsistent when it comes to match quality. We can go from him being in a four-star match to a stinker within the course of a pay-per-view, even sometimes with the same person. See Cena/Orton, Cena/Miz at Over the Limit 2011, the time he faced Mark Henry after the fake retirement, and others for examples. Now, some of these matches, they end up being shit because they're booked for Cena to have that "LOLCENAWINS" moment. Others, he seems to either lack to chemistry or an ample amount of fucks to give. A wrestler with as many accolades as he's been given/scripted/what-the-hell ever should be able to consistently pull off, at the least, DECENT matches.

On top of that, Cena is one of the most awkward wrestlers I've seen. Look no further than his weak-ass STFspringboard stunner. It looks like he's some random fuck doing backyard wrestling with no experience trying to be badass. And most the time, it ends up looking like this.

Now, thankfully, he's not exactly a dangerous worker. Surprising, I know. But, he's awkward to the point that he's like a less agile, less awesome Sabu at times. At least Sabu's "botches" added some realism to his matches. Cena's botches, LOUD AS FUCK spot calls, etc., they take you out of the match unless you lower your expectations and accept that your face of the company has the ability, at times, of your run-of-the-mill bland babyface midcarder who gets fed to the monster heel.

Conclusion:

So...is John Cena really that bad? Yes and no. He's that bad to be the guy WWE runs to in a pinch to put something/someone/some ratings over. But, in his current role as a fading star upper-midcarder? He's pretty decent. Just cut that fucker's mic on some CM Punk shit every once in a while. Please? That's all I legit ask. Just don't give him a gotdamn mic every time he enters. And tell that sumbitch to tighten up that STF.

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Eyes on the Ring 7:56 AM  No comment

WIRTB Review: Katie Vick

By Speed on the Beat (@SpeedontheBeat)

Years ago, I was a pretty huge wrestling fan. True and I, since we went to the same middle school, we'd end up staging our own wrestling matches with our sixth-grade class when the teachers left the room. It was a great way to get out that pre-teen aggression without killing each other. I had mostly every WWF, WCW, and (through connects) ECW game. But, as the Attitude Era moved past its expiration date, the tastefulness of WWE went even further out the window while being more "real," and I found myself distancing myself from the product. Not because I didn't like distasteful tomfoolery, but because I was busy trying to get laid and the "bad bitches" didn't watch Smackdown. They watched One Tree Hill, for whatever ungodly reason (even though, before the time skip, it wasn't that bad of a show).

In 2002, I was in high school. That's also around the time we got one of the worst storylines in WWE history. As cliched as it is to speak on it, I'm talking about Katie Vick. Yes, WrestleCrap has beat it into a bloody, convoluted, clusterfuck of an epic fail, but the sheer stupidity behind this storyline has to be known, lest WWE repeats the same mistakes again. But, was the Katie Vick storyline that bad?

I'm Speed on the Beat and this is WIRTB Review where I review the crap, so you don't have to. This is a "bonus" WIRTB, as I'll restart my Souled Out series in June.

So, in October 2002, WWE, in the beginning of its RUTHLESS AGGRESSION! era, decided to play Raw Roulette, which was a thing until recently. What that meant is that wrestlers spun the wheel and did what the wheel said. So, if the wheel asked Rikishi and Taker to do a bra and panties match with each other, they would have to do it--and I'd have to kill myself thrice over with bleach because I just saw Rikishi and Taker stripe each other. Everything's going swimmingly, until we get to the main event.

So, we have a four-way TLC Tag Title match between Hurri-Kane (the people who do these sort of forced portmanteaus should be shot. In the face. With a rusty arrow), Bubba and Spike, Chris and Christian, and Weedaholics Anonymous--err, Jeff Harvey and RDV--I mean, Jeff Hardy and RVD. This match lasts for over twenty five minutes and Kane wins (single-handedly, because Hurricane got attacked by HHH in the back...). Out comes Space Mountain and Prep-H (look at me! I'm pandering to the mid-2000s IWC today) who reveal that Kane has a deep, dark secret.

He got drunk and killed his girlfriend in an accident.

So, the man who, at one point:

• Was thought to have burned his parents alive
• Rose from the bottom of the ring like Satan during his debut
• attacked anyone who said "May 19th"
• was alluded to have kidnapped, raped, and impregnated Lita and more...had a drinking problem?

Now, that's not to say "hey, alcohol abuse and drunk driving are fun and hilarious." But, for fuck's sake. Hell's Favorite Demon isn't supposed to be human. Plus, what message does that send to THA KIDS about alcohol? Anyway, let's keep moving.

On the October 21st edition of Raw, shit started to hit the fan even more. And so far, I've got to tell you, it really is as bad as advertised. But, I digress. On this edition of Raw, we get to see the "sex" seen around the world. Trips, dressed as Kane, goes into a funeral parlor, and proceeds to fuck a mannequin. But, here's something I realized in later viewings: the mannequin's dressed up in high school cheerleader clothing. So...not only is Kane a drunk and a necrophiliac, we can apparently add ephebophilia (a sexual attraction to teenagers) to the list of fuckery Kane and Triple H have indulged in.

They have a match. Kane stuffs Trips in his car. Kane screams that he's going to screw Triple H. So, if you're keeping score at home, here are the fucked up things about this angle:

1. Drunk driving
2. Necrophilia
3. Ephebophilia
4. Sodomy
5. Rape
6. Kidnapping
7. Lying
8. Other random shit that I'm probably forgetting...

And the sodomy aspect continues the next week, when we get the enema video.

Ok, you know what? Fuck it. 2002 WWE was the drizzling shits, for the most part. It was the epitome of fucktarded. It was sophomoric gobbledygook that made about as much sense as, well, this storyline. You know what's the clincher about this? It was supposed to make Kane a "star" and ended up devolving (evolving?) into a feud between Triple H and HBK.

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Eyes on the Ring 12:56 PM  No comment

WIRTB Review: The Souled Out Series Volume Two (1998)

Greetings, my ringaz, it's the man who took on Greed and won, the guy who watched Mayhem 1999 and 2000 and didn't have his eyes bleed, SOTB!!!, back with another WIRTB Review. Now, you're probably wondering where in the high fuck have I been these past couple weeks. Well, I've been dealing with some personal issues. My mother passed. But, instead of boo-hoo over that, I'm going to honor her in a way she'd be proud of: making people laugh (hopefully) through reviews of PPVs. Now, 1997's edition was atrocious. Let's see if 1998's has lost its way of shit or continues down the path of craptastic crappiness.

The first match is a eight-man tag team Lucha Libre rules match between the teams of La Parka, Silver King, Psychosis and El Dandy (?) versus Lizmark Jr., Juventud Guerrerra, Super Calo , and...Chavo Guerrero. Ok, first things first? Chavo sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of an all-night titty fuckfest in this match. Even David Penzer's enthusiasm trails off when annoucing him. Now, don't get me wrong--I love Chavo's WCW work and I think he's overly underrated. But, he's always been light when it comes to Lucha Libre to me.

The match starts off pretty telegraphed, even though the spots are balls-out amazing. We get ample time between each pairing, with La Parka even busting out some dance moves in the middle of his segment. That is, until Juvie knocks him out. And of course, now we get the schmozz. But, after the schmozz and your typical "hey guys stand outside the ring to catch me" spot, Chavo scores the win. The match was pretty balls-out, even if telegraphed. However, one thing that got to me was the fact that the commentators usually referred to the talent as "they" or "them."

Next up, we get a promo for the first iPPV in Boston Brawl. WCW had some good ideas in their dying days--wait a minute. Let me check out the Brawl card. Ok, after further review, good idea, shit execution. It's like This Tuesday in Texas times ten, because at least TTiT (ha..."TiT") had some semblance of a title change and something actually happen.

Our next match is Raven versus Benoit in a Stone Cold vest.

I completely forgot that Chris Benoit also had sparkly pants and shit at one point. Also, for the newbies reading along, can we stop the Raven/Wyatt comparisons? Yes, they're atypical. Yes, they lead "cults." Yes, their promos are their strongest suit. But, there are still so many reasons why Bray Wyatt and Raven are nothing alike. For instance, Bray Wyatt, PG Era or otherwise, hasn't utilized any weaponry really other than his voice. Raven is a crazy motherfucker who'll use anything and everything in his way to make a point. Bray wants you to follow him, potentially to mask his own insecurities. Raven wants to break you down completely and rebuild you in his image...or the image he sees fit.

Anywho, this match is insanity in a hand bag. Chair shots, technical wrestling, psychology, BULLDOGS ONTO CHAIRS! This match probably has everything you could ask for in a match. Benoit gets the win on a crossface (obviously), which leads to everyone coming out, but Benoit and Dean Malenko cleaning house. Two matches in and the way of crap in Souled Out seems to be lost.

Rey versus Jericho is next. This match looks like something out of 2013, 2014. Jericho eats up the crowd booing him. Rey tries to be all flippy-do and hurts his knee. Jericho wins and beats Rey post-match to a somewhat still mixed reaction from a couple people in the crowd. But, it still wasn't a completely horrible match. Just eh.

Bookah T and Rick Martel square off for the TV Title. It's hard to believe, but, at this point, Martel is still in his early-40s. I mean, this is a guy I've seen on WWF since around the time I was born and he's still not even, in 2015, over 60. He's close. Oh, he's damn close. But, he's not 60 just yet. Canadian genes or something. Anyhow, Martel and Bookah are up next for the TV title. The match kind of plays out like something out the indies. Lots of focus on one body part, a slow build, a fast-paced (kind of) middle, and several "I'm on the edge of my seat" near-falls. Bookah ends up getting the win in a fun match which was, sadly, one of Martel's last. Oddly, Martel's career-ending injuries came while in the ring with Bookah for the title.

Next? Scott Hall versus Larry Zybysko. And just like that, the way of crap has been found. Let the bloodletting begin.

What can I say? I'm an anime nerd and a wrestling fan. Don't like it? Kick rocks and suck dick.

The point of this clusterfuck was so Dusty Rwhodes, tha Amurrrican Dream (baby), could end up joining the nWo. At this point, the nWo was reaching critical mass. Everyone and their mom was part of the group and no one really agreed with what should be done within it. So, we ended up getting everyone, their mom, and their gay uncle's partner's cousin's second niece joining and forming splinter groups. Seriously. Look up the member list of the nWo. You're bound to find that someone you liked growing up is/was an nWo member.

We then get, for our troubles, Vicious and Delicious and Konnan versus The Steiners and Ray Traylor. Fuck this. Best part of the match is Scott yelling at the ref. Konnan takes the loss after a screwdriver from Scott and then Scott and Buff verbally jack off each other over their physiques. Fuck that noise.

Next? Kevin Nash versus Giant. Now, the promo for this PPV made mention of, y'know, something along the lines of "if Nash jackknifes someone, he'll be banned from WCW." Not only did he do it, he damn near killed Giant in the process. Yeah, it looks a lot worse than it was...but it was still pretty gotdamn bad (go to about 1:20 into the video).

The next match, our second-to-last of the evening, is almost a classic. Bret Hart versus Ric Flair. Hell, anytime you have Flair going vertical, you've got a classic. Hart gets the win from the Sharpshooter, and the way of shit has been lost once again. I think this may be the first pay-per-view in the WIRTB timeline to get a "no."

And then...we get to the main event. Because, for whatever reason, this classic match couldn't be the closer. Nooooo. We get Michael Buffer coming out to introduce Lex Luger and Randy Savage. Now, Randy is a legend and will always be. But, I can't bring myself to give any sort of fuck about this match. Fuck this match. I think Randy wins, but we all lose.

So, at the end of the day, even with that main event, was it really that bad?

Surprisingly, no. We got matches without a load of outside interference, feud finales, and a slew of things that make wrestling fun and great to watch. I question placing Luger versus Savage as the main event, but other than that? No, it wasn't really that bad. In fact, you take that match, the Dusty heel turn, and the Jackknife Special out, and you've got a legit PPV. So, check it out.

Our next WIRTB will either be Souled Out 1999 or another bonus review. So, until next time, Ringers. Keep your eyes on the ring.

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Eyes on the Ring 9:54 AM  No comment