WIRTB Review: The Souled Out Series Volume Two (1998)

Greetings, my ringaz, it's the man who took on Greed and won, the guy who watched Mayhem 1999 and 2000 and didn't have his eyes bleed, SOTB!!!, back with another WIRTB Review. Now, you're probably wondering where in the high fuck have I been these past couple weeks. Well, I've been dealing with some personal issues. My mother passed. But, instead of boo-hoo over that, I'm going to honor her in a way she'd be proud of: making people laugh (hopefully) through reviews of PPVs. Now, 1997's edition was atrocious. Let's see if 1998's has lost its way of shit or continues down the path of craptastic crappiness.

The first match is a eight-man tag team Lucha Libre rules match between the teams of La Parka, Silver King, Psychosis and El Dandy (?) versus Lizmark Jr., Juventud Guerrerra, Super Calo , and...Chavo Guerrero. Ok, first things first? Chavo sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of an all-night titty fuckfest in this match. Even David Penzer's enthusiasm trails off when annoucing him. Now, don't get me wrong--I love Chavo's WCW work and I think he's overly underrated. But, he's always been light when it comes to Lucha Libre to me.

The match starts off pretty telegraphed, even though the spots are balls-out amazing. We get ample time between each pairing, with La Parka even busting out some dance moves in the middle of his segment. That is, until Juvie knocks him out. And of course, now we get the schmozz. But, after the schmozz and your typical "hey guys stand outside the ring to catch me" spot, Chavo scores the win. The match was pretty balls-out, even if telegraphed. However, one thing that got to me was the fact that the commentators usually referred to the talent as "they" or "them."

Next up, we get a promo for the first iPPV in Boston Brawl. WCW had some good ideas in their dying days--wait a minute. Let me check out the Brawl card. Ok, after further review, good idea, shit execution. It's like This Tuesday in Texas times ten, because at least TTiT (ha..."TiT") had some semblance of a title change and something actually happen.

Our next match is Raven versus Benoit in a Stone Cold vest.

I completely forgot that Chris Benoit also had sparkly pants and shit at one point. Also, for the newbies reading along, can we stop the Raven/Wyatt comparisons? Yes, they're atypical. Yes, they lead "cults." Yes, their promos are their strongest suit. But, there are still so many reasons why Bray Wyatt and Raven are nothing alike. For instance, Bray Wyatt, PG Era or otherwise, hasn't utilized any weaponry really other than his voice. Raven is a crazy motherfucker who'll use anything and everything in his way to make a point. Bray wants you to follow him, potentially to mask his own insecurities. Raven wants to break you down completely and rebuild you in his image...or the image he sees fit.

Anywho, this match is insanity in a hand bag. Chair shots, technical wrestling, psychology, BULLDOGS ONTO CHAIRS! This match probably has everything you could ask for in a match. Benoit gets the win on a crossface (obviously), which leads to everyone coming out, but Benoit and Dean Malenko cleaning house. Two matches in and the way of crap in Souled Out seems to be lost.

Rey versus Jericho is next. This match looks like something out of 2013, 2014. Jericho eats up the crowd booing him. Rey tries to be all flippy-do and hurts his knee. Jericho wins and beats Rey post-match to a somewhat still mixed reaction from a couple people in the crowd. But, it still wasn't a completely horrible match. Just eh.

Bookah T and Rick Martel square off for the TV Title. It's hard to believe, but, at this point, Martel is still in his early-40s. I mean, this is a guy I've seen on WWF since around the time I was born and he's still not even, in 2015, over 60. He's close. Oh, he's damn close. But, he's not 60 just yet. Canadian genes or something. Anyhow, Martel and Bookah are up next for the TV title. The match kind of plays out like something out the indies. Lots of focus on one body part, a slow build, a fast-paced (kind of) middle, and several "I'm on the edge of my seat" near-falls. Bookah ends up getting the win in a fun match which was, sadly, one of Martel's last. Oddly, Martel's career-ending injuries came while in the ring with Bookah for the title.

Next? Scott Hall versus Larry Zybysko. And just like that, the way of crap has been found. Let the bloodletting begin.

What can I say? I'm an anime nerd and a wrestling fan. Don't like it? Kick rocks and suck dick.

The point of this clusterfuck was so Dusty Rwhodes, tha Amurrrican Dream (baby), could end up joining the nWo. At this point, the nWo was reaching critical mass. Everyone and their mom was part of the group and no one really agreed with what should be done within it. So, we ended up getting everyone, their mom, and their gay uncle's partner's cousin's second niece joining and forming splinter groups. Seriously. Look up the member list of the nWo. You're bound to find that someone you liked growing up is/was an nWo member.

We then get, for our troubles, Vicious and Delicious and Konnan versus The Steiners and Ray Traylor. Fuck this. Best part of the match is Scott yelling at the ref. Konnan takes the loss after a screwdriver from Scott and then Scott and Buff verbally jack off each other over their physiques. Fuck that noise.

Next? Kevin Nash versus Giant. Now, the promo for this PPV made mention of, y'know, something along the lines of "if Nash jackknifes someone, he'll be banned from WCW." Not only did he do it, he damn near killed Giant in the process. Yeah, it looks a lot worse than it was...but it was still pretty gotdamn bad (go to about 1:20 into the video).

The next match, our second-to-last of the evening, is almost a classic. Bret Hart versus Ric Flair. Hell, anytime you have Flair going vertical, you've got a classic. Hart gets the win from the Sharpshooter, and the way of shit has been lost once again. I think this may be the first pay-per-view in the WIRTB timeline to get a "no."

And then...we get to the main event. Because, for whatever reason, this classic match couldn't be the closer. Nooooo. We get Michael Buffer coming out to introduce Lex Luger and Randy Savage. Now, Randy is a legend and will always be. But, I can't bring myself to give any sort of fuck about this match. Fuck this match. I think Randy wins, but we all lose.

So, at the end of the day, even with that main event, was it really that bad?

Surprisingly, no. We got matches without a load of outside interference, feud finales, and a slew of things that make wrestling fun and great to watch. I question placing Luger versus Savage as the main event, but other than that? No, it wasn't really that bad. In fact, you take that match, the Dusty heel turn, and the Jackknife Special out, and you've got a legit PPV. So, check it out.

Our next WIRTB will either be Souled Out 1999 or another bonus review. So, until next time, Ringers. Keep your eyes on the ring.

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Eyes on the Ring 9:54 AM  No comment

WIRTB Review: The Souled Out Series Volume One (1997)

Apparently, I have a death wish with regards to shitty PPVs. After going through Greed, WM27, Backlash, Superbrawl, Mayhem 2000 (ya fat asses), and others...I've taken on the unenviable task of reviewing all four parts of the Souled Out PPV tetralogy. I am Speed on the Beat, and this is WIRTB Review, the review series (sometimes wrestling, sometimes movies, sometimes Chris Webber's rap CD) where I review the crap, so you don't have to.

Our first volume falls on the date of January 25, 1997. Our descriptors indicate that "Hollywood Hogan defends [his] WCW Title versus The Giant, Hall and Nash defend the Tag Team Titles vs The Steiners [and more]." So, at least I'll get some Steiner here, right? Eh, let's get into it.

We open to a grainy B&W video of the nWo army being driven into the city on trash trucks. Syxx lets us know that this is going to be sweet (I'm not sure about how "too sweet," it'll be, brother. Gotta be specific) and Eric Bischoff says nWo's going to change the world. Let me remind you, before I forget (even though WCW doesn't let you), this PPV is branded as the first nWo PPV, because nWo took over a WCW PPV in a way that'll make you beg for the Anonymous GM. In reality, it was a marketing plan to see if a two-PPV month plan could work and if nWo PPVs had any draw. 

We spend the first four minutes or so with the nWo outside and outside of the arena, looking like old white guy rejects from the Straight Outta Compton movie. We're given something which resembles a long take meets a home video recording, then our logo. But, of course, we're given more promos for the PPV, with Bischoff talking about the nWo like some sort of authoritarian monstrosity. Five minutes in and I already feel like my brain cells are dying.

Oh, hey, it's Fake Sting.

FINALLY, we're taken ringside with a boatload of overhead pyro (not 2000 WCW-levels, but pretty bad still) and Bischoff speaking again and introducing the nWo big three. This feels so cartoony. Hall, Nash, and Hogan talk back and forth to each other via big-ass screens and tell us that WCW sucks and doesn't exist anymore, because nWo has "souled out." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess we're gonna get a lot of "soul"/"sold" puns tonight. "Trillionaire" Ted DiBiase is shown in his first WIRTB Review appearance on commentary with Bischoff and we're finally under way with our first match.

The "mysterious announcer" calls Chris Jericho into the ring to face off against Masahiro Chono. The crowd is dead. The camera is wonky. And this feels like someone just smuggled their 1990s camcorder into the arena and recorded a house show. I get that that's the gritty feel they're going for, but for fuck's sake: if you've got a trillionaire beneficiary backing your wrestling coup, would it kill you to actually shell out some cash to make your product look better than that which you are splintering from?

Bischoff tries to put over the "nWo Beauties," but they look more like they fell off the side of a dope fiend's stolen Nova. And just like "Children's Story," this match serves up a cautionary tale. WCW was one of the only American federations who didn't (always) make their Asian wrestlers into Hong Kong Fuckheads. If you were Japanese and wanted to get over in America, you'd say "fuck you WWF. Let me get my money, ECW. I'm going to WCW." When WCW went under, you got Kung Fu Naki and Engrish Yoshi Tatsu doing their shtick. Thankfully, WWE has learned the error of their stupidity and is letting Hideo Itami actually be KENTA, aside from his name. But, in 1997, there'd be no real way Japanese talents'd get big in America unless it was WCW.

With that said, more of this match than needed is spent focusing on the WCW crusaders and the like and shitting on WCW than the match itself. Camera angles tend to not capture some of the action (at least they may've inadvertently invented Selfie Sticks). On top of that, nWo has their own ref. So, pretty much, we already know that nWo will win--even if they lose--pretty much every match.

Anywho, Chono starts out on top and takes it to Jericho. "USA" chants start out (for a wrestler who's from Winnipeg, you idiot) and Ted puts over Chono's STF hold. This match is pretty interesting, since I've seen a limited amount of Chono's work. I'll be honest: for me, it'd be a decent introduction to Chono's work. But, please, for the love of pie, watch this son-of-a-bastard-maker on mute because fuck Bischoff's commentary. Chono, after some slow counts, and a rebound, gets the Yakuza kick for the quick count win.

I think I've gotten the quickest "fuck this company" going in WIRTB history. Sadly, they all seem to be coming from WCW.

Next, we get Hugh Morrus versus Big Bubba, which ends with Bubba running Morrus over with a bike. A fucking bike. Out of all the wild and crazily fucktarded things I've seen in WCW, and I've seen monster trucks drive off sides of buildings, this takes the cake. Why? There's no real rhyme or reason behind it. It's just like "hey, I'm nWo. I break the rules. Lemme try to kill this fat fuck with a bike just because he's WCW." Not only that, the sell job of Hugh Morrus on the bike hit was horrible, compounded by the atrocious camera angles.

Artist's rendition.

We go back to the "nWo Beauties," one of which looks like what you'd get if you crossed Luanne Platter with some rum and a glory hole (in other words, Mama Platter for the KOTH fans out there). When asked what she'd do to get into the next WCW movie, she responds with "whatever it takes."

Can you shoot me so I don't have to watch the rest of this goddamned PPV?

The next one up, this derp-faced blondie (see a recurring theme here, guys?), is asked what her price is, since our intrepid interviewee has about "$1.50" on him. Her priceless response? "You can walk away with a big bill." Afterwards, we get some fifty-seven-year-old looking silhouette dancing to generic grungy hair metal as we prep for our next match. But, first, nWo has a website! On NETSCAPE! Man, I miss the '90s.

Jeff Jarrett and Mr. Wallstreet are our next competitors. So, we have Bray Wyatt's dad getting ready to kick Double J's ass because this is the nWo--oh, wait what's this? Mongo comes out and hits Wallstreet with his briefcase for a Jarrett win. Lemme get this straight: your faces of the evening (WCW) have resorted to heelish tactics to win because...why exactly? Eh. It's WC--I mean, nWo in 1997. Nothing makes sense anymore, but it's still drawing ratings, so it must be right, right?

Scotty Riggs and Buff Bagwell battle next. This match lasts almost fourteen minutes. That's all I want/need to say about it. Most of that fourteen minutes is spent having Ted and Eric man-gushing over Bagwell in some way or another.

Anywho...DDP and Scott Norton get into the ring. DDP smokes a cigar and looks like a drunk. Norton decides to beat the crap out of DDP. We get the millionth "loser" chant from the anonymous fucktard in the back. This match was a lot of nothing, until the end. Every nWo lackey comes out and tries to recruit DDP. DDP accepts, but just like Cena with The Nexus, he says "fuck you heels!" and double turns, runs into the crowd, and tears off his nWo shirt in the process.

FINALLY! After more fuckery, we get some wrasslin' gawds. Hall and Nash versus THA STEINA BROVAHS! This is going to be...oh, never mind. Not even Scott Steiner can save this shit show. In some overbooking, the Steiners win because the nWo ref was knocked out. The WCW ref comes out and then counts the pinfall for the Steiners. Bischoff then says "hey, tomorrow, on Nitro, I'm going to make this shit not happen" (or something along these lines) and lo and behold. Monday comes around and the Steiners are stripped of their belts. Yep. Sounds like something out of the WWE in 2015 playbook.

Eddie and Syxx square off against each other for the U.S. Heavyweight title. Here we go: the only match which doesn't end because of interference. Why? It's a ladder match. Syxx has some sort of Redneck Kung Fu meets X-Pac thing going and it's kind of badass. And our announcers put over Eddie's Mexican background--by being racist. Yay! A solid match between Syxx and Eddie, but the selfie stick camera angles make me want to vomit something fierce. They really fuck up the match. But, eventually, Eddie gets the win after Syxx gets KTFO with the belt (since they'd both grabbed it at the same time).

After the nWo Beauty Contest (spoiler: no one wins in reality), we get Hollywood Hogan with lifts in his boots squaring off against The Giant for the Heavyweight Championship. And, because WCW, we get a schmozz to end the goddamned thing. The Giant had the belt won, but nWo comes out and starts attacking Giant. This is probably the tenth of a couple hundred face/heel turns by Paul Wight in his career (even though it wasn't really a turn) thus far.

Yep, that bad.

Join me next time for either Souled Out 1998 or a bonus episode TBD.

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Eyes on the Ring 2:10 PM  No comment