WIRTB Review: Katie Vick

By Speed on the Beat (@SpeedontheBeat)

Years ago, I was a pretty huge wrestling fan. True and I, since we went to the same middle school, we'd end up staging our own wrestling matches with our sixth-grade class when the teachers left the room. It was a great way to get out that pre-teen aggression without killing each other. I had mostly every WWF, WCW, and (through connects) ECW game. But, as the Attitude Era moved past its expiration date, the tastefulness of WWE went even further out the window while being more "real," and I found myself distancing myself from the product. Not because I didn't like distasteful tomfoolery, but because I was busy trying to get laid and the "bad bitches" didn't watch Smackdown. They watched One Tree Hill, for whatever ungodly reason (even though, before the time skip, it wasn't that bad of a show).

In 2002, I was in high school. That's also around the time we got one of the worst storylines in WWE history. As cliched as it is to speak on it, I'm talking about Katie Vick. Yes, WrestleCrap has beat it into a bloody, convoluted, clusterfuck of an epic fail, but the sheer stupidity behind this storyline has to be known, lest WWE repeats the same mistakes again. But, was the Katie Vick storyline that bad?

I'm Speed on the Beat and this is WIRTB Review where I review the crap, so you don't have to. This is a "bonus" WIRTB, as I'll restart my Souled Out series in June.

So, in October 2002, WWE, in the beginning of its RUTHLESS AGGRESSION! era, decided to play Raw Roulette, which was a thing until recently. What that meant is that wrestlers spun the wheel and did what the wheel said. So, if the wheel asked Rikishi and Taker to do a bra and panties match with each other, they would have to do it--and I'd have to kill myself thrice over with bleach because I just saw Rikishi and Taker stripe each other. Everything's going swimmingly, until we get to the main event.

So, we have a four-way TLC Tag Title match between Hurri-Kane (the people who do these sort of forced portmanteaus should be shot. In the face. With a rusty arrow), Bubba and Spike, Chris and Christian, and Weedaholics Anonymous--err, Jeff Harvey and RDV--I mean, Jeff Hardy and RVD. This match lasts for over twenty five minutes and Kane wins (single-handedly, because Hurricane got attacked by HHH in the back...). Out comes Space Mountain and Prep-H (look at me! I'm pandering to the mid-2000s IWC today) who reveal that Kane has a deep, dark secret.

He got drunk and killed his girlfriend in an accident.

So, the man who, at one point:

• Was thought to have burned his parents alive
• Rose from the bottom of the ring like Satan during his debut
• attacked anyone who said "May 19th"
• was alluded to have kidnapped, raped, and impregnated Lita and more...had a drinking problem?

Now, that's not to say "hey, alcohol abuse and drunk driving are fun and hilarious." But, for fuck's sake. Hell's Favorite Demon isn't supposed to be human. Plus, what message does that send to THA KIDS about alcohol? Anyway, let's keep moving.

On the October 21st edition of Raw, shit started to hit the fan even more. And so far, I've got to tell you, it really is as bad as advertised. But, I digress. On this edition of Raw, we get to see the "sex" seen around the world. Trips, dressed as Kane, goes into a funeral parlor, and proceeds to fuck a mannequin. But, here's something I realized in later viewings: the mannequin's dressed up in high school cheerleader clothing. So...not only is Kane a drunk and a necrophiliac, we can apparently add ephebophilia (a sexual attraction to teenagers) to the list of fuckery Kane and Triple H have indulged in.

They have a match. Kane stuffs Trips in his car. Kane screams that he's going to screw Triple H. So, if you're keeping score at home, here are the fucked up things about this angle:

1. Drunk driving
2. Necrophilia
3. Ephebophilia
4. Sodomy
5. Rape
6. Kidnapping
7. Lying
8. Other random shit that I'm probably forgetting...

And the sodomy aspect continues the next week, when we get the enema video.

Ok, you know what? Fuck it. 2002 WWE was the drizzling shits, for the most part. It was the epitome of fucktarded. It was sophomoric gobbledygook that made about as much sense as, well, this storyline. You know what's the clincher about this? It was supposed to make Kane a "star" and ended up devolving (evolving?) into a feud between Triple H and HBK.