WIRTB Review: King of the Ring 1995

Guess who's back, back again? SOTB!!!'s back, tell a friend.

After some EOTR Role Reversal Roulette, I've returned with a somewhat easy WIRTB Review (don't worry, I'm going to get back to the Souled Out series...maybe. I mean, even I can only take but so much punishment). In 1995, WWE sucked more than Sunny in an ECW locker room. 1995 WWE sucked more than a fifty-nine year-old former porn star usually does at trying to portray herself as a squirter...or halfway attractive from the asshole up at this point (and even then, we're completely pushing it). 1995 WWE sucked more than the hookers on St. Paul Street in Baltimore around 5:30 in the morning. Hell, I'd even put the International Incident and 1996 WWE higher than 1995 WWE. At least by 1996, we knew that WWE blew loads and lowered our expectations accordingly. Plus, 1996 WWE at least had the first "Austin 3:16" promo.

Yes, it does, Stone Cold. Yes, it does.

Anyway, let's get into it. Live from Philadelphia, PA, it's King of the Ring 1995 aka The Fat Ass That Gravity Forgot.

Our first match of the evening is Savio Vega and Yokozuna with Razor Ramon and Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette in their respective corners. This match is for the KOTR quarterfinal. There's nothing to this match really. Savio gets the win subbing for an injured Razor. Yay, I guess. My give-a-fuck-ometer is already reaching empty. Savio was never a bad or good talent. He just...existed in WWF/E.

Next up? The Roadie Dogg--err, I mean, The Roadie and Bob Holly. This match was solid, until the finish. The finish was just...no. Just no. Did Vic Venom have a hand in this one? Nope. Russo didn't become part of creative until 1996. This is all...well, who-the-fuck-ever was in charge at this point.

Afterwards, Shawn Michaels and Kama end up fighting to a draw. Now, let me get this straight: one of your hottest talents in the company, he draws. But, he draws to a man who, at this point, is still relatively low-card. He fights to a draw with the Proto-Boogeyman. He fights to a draw with the Ho-less Ho-Train-engineering Godfather. He...y'know what, it can't get worse, right? Michaels lost, but at least Kama is a fucking menacing force, somewhat. He's a big black guy, and we all know big black guys in WWF are usually fucking menacing savages who kill everything in sight...and whatnot.

But, it can't get worse, right?

I think that the Wrestling Gods hate me because I forgot that this was the PPV where Mabel defeated The Undertaker. The fucking Undertaker, a legend, a wrestling god, was defeated by a man who was essentially a jobber that got a bigger chance because he was a bargain bin Kamala (in other words, big black guy who you could portray as an angry big black guy with savage tendencies). Seriously, Nelson Frazier, later in his career, may he RIP, was able to do his own thing. But here? He's Kamala mixed with PN News. 

Plus, his matches at this point were more botch-prone than a Survivor Series 5-on-5 match with 10 Bella Twins clones and Summer Rae officiating. I mean, for fuck's sake, he (maybe, per Kevin Nash) injured Rikishi! If you're out there injuring the Samoans, you know you're fucking up. They're supposed to be impenetrable. He even broke Taker's orbital bone, which led to Phantom of the Opera Taker, but still. Nevertheless, Mabel defeated Taker to move on to the KOTR Final.

After that bit of infinite sadness, we're treated to, essentially, a nothing match between Savio and Roadie--even though it determines who goes to the KOTR Final. It wasn't bad, it wasn't good. It just existed. Even though Savio was booked to be the underdog, I couldn't get behind him--at all. Maybe it was the "Batista/Roman Reigns winning the Royal Rumble over Daniel Bryan" vibe that the Mabel/Taker match had, but I could've given zero shits about this match--and that still would've been too many.

After the previous PPV (IYH 1, which I WIRTB'ed a few months ago), we get yet another Lawler/Hart match because everyone in the land brayed with glee at the idea being tossed in our faces again. This time, we get a Kiss My Feet match. What is it with Vince and having one grown man kiss another grown man's body part? I mean, yeesh. There have been countless "Kiss My Ass" matches over the years for no damn reason other than "hurr-durr, sophomoric humor. Derppp Vince like this, so let's keep at it." Hell, Lawler's been involved in a good portion of these clusterfucks.

Now, I wouldn't be as mad at this match if it were kind of a quick squash. But, it goes on for almost ten minutes. That's not even counting the fact that the feud itself had gone on for years before this! At least from this match and feud, we got Isaac Yankem, D.D.S., who evolved into Kane (but not before some sort of match involving a shark cage?!) and still trolls the upper-midcard to this day. Seriously. People talk about Big Show being involved too much. Have you jackholes met Kane?! Even when he's used up his last bit of usefulness, WWE pumps life back into him, injects him into an upper-midcard-to-main-event-level feud/storyline, and lets him linger up there for months (sometimes years) on end. Why? Because they don't have shit else to do with him and they feel bad letting him ease off into the sunset because he's KANE! But, it can't get worse...right?!

We still have close to twenty-five minutes left in this fuckery. However, for the PPV to be called King of the Ring, the KOTR match isn't the main event. That's like having WrestleMania and having the main event be Machine Gun Kelly perform some shit-tastic "rap" music. Or like having Machine Gun Kelly, a skinny white guy who Kevin Owens could probably pick up and murderize with one hand in real life should it ever come to that, pretty much no-sell a pop-up powerbomb (the move which has knocked out quite a few Superstars thus far, including Jesus Juan Cena) like the piece of shit asshat that he is.

KO: "Lace up?" How about "lay down?"

Our last two matches feature 6 talents and maybe one of which can actually move in the ring in a way that doesn't look clunky, clumsy, or tears quads (there! Speed on the Beat finally made a quad joke. Now, I must be part of the IWC, right?!). 

First up, the KOTR Final which sees Mabel defeat Savio Vega to a sea of "ECW!" chants. Now, just last month, Savio was being pushed as a new breed of superstar. He saved Razor Ramon for fuck's sake. Now, four matches into the night (ugh), he's cannon fodder for Mabel? Ok, WWF. I'll bite. Where can I get the crack that you were smoking on twenty years ago? On top of giving Mabel the KOTR title, he ends up getting his top heel billing stripped because he wasn't ready and was dangerous in-ring? Sounds like someone from the past couple years, right? You'd think that WWE would learn from their mistakes once in a fucking while. But, noooooooo. We still get Ryback challenging for the WWE Championship a couple months into his main roster career, failing, getting repackaged ten times, then potentially finding his niche as an upper-midcarder who could still be a competent champion if booked correctly. We still get FAT ASSES pushed to the moon because they're big and tall and look larger than life, even though they move like shit. 

Newsflash, Vince and others. André the Giant, even in his later career, could wrestle circles around Big Show. Why? Many of the super big men of today aren't as agile or as good. It's like they, meaning the Wrestling Gods, stopped making 6'6"+ men who could still go in their mid 30s into their forties since they hit perfection with The Undertaker. He has the bigness of an André. He had the agility of an oversized Shawn Michaels. He can walk the fucking top rope. Sure, his matches against Brock and Bray have been meh. But, wouldn't your matches be meh too if you only went at it once a year? 

You know what? Fuck the last match. Just...no. Fuck it. The field in which I grow my fucks for Tatanka has been barren since I first saw his Indigenous American Ultimate Warrior ass as a kid. And, I don't think we need to ask the question I always pose. Fuck yes, it was that bad. From top to bottom, it was horrid. It was putrid. It was just shit. I'm about to break my WIRTB sobriety after this fuckery.

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Eyes on the Ring 10:10 AM  No comment

WIRTB Review: New Blood Rising

After venturing outside of my comfort zone and reporting the news and happenings of current promotions, I'm back to my bread and butter. That is, even though my bread's molded and my butter is coagulated goo now. I'm Speed on the Beat and this is WIRTB Review. For the unbaptized, WIRTB is a segment of EyesontheRing.com where I review horrible PPVs and determine whether or not they deserve the venom they get from wrestling fans. Usually, however, I've seen the PPVs in question in pretty much their entirety.

2000's New Blood Rising, however, is the first that I'm going in blind. For those who stayed away from 2000-2001 WCW, it was a train wreck. And, no, I don't, as some do, put it all on Vince Russo. This era of WCW, the blame for its clusterfuck nature needs to be spread around. For if it's not, we shall repeat the mistakes of the past.

NBR was designed to put over the New Blood faction of "new" wrestlers who came into WCW to start shit and take it over (yep, another "takeover" angle). It also was designed to replace the Hog Wild PPV. There are a few problems with that. For starters, by the time NBR came about, the New Blood had disbanded. Secondly, they disbanded about a month or so before the PPV. Thirdly, since I want to actually get into the PPV versus backstory, Hog Wild was crap. But, NBR, with its nonsensical approach, made many wish that they saw The Hulkster swinging around a motorcycle...or something.

So, the program begins with some pretty crap early-2000s graphics (which really look like they're from 1991) and fans who look way too turnt up. Next? The WCW sparkler load-blow. Our first match is a ladder match between 3 Count (with Tank Abbott--who probably wishes he could fucking kill everyone out here tonight with his "scissors") and the Jung Dragons. I forgot that Abbott, with his nipple-exposing cutout shirt (for no reason), actually sang during his time with 3 Count. His singing is about as bad as that one match in that one 2001 WCW PPV.

Which one, you ask? Ex-fucking-actly.

So, this match is actually the one I spoke of a while back as being one of the highlights of later-year WCW. I forgot that this shit was over a "gold record" and a "recording contract" for 3 Count. Pretty much, if 3 Count lost, they couldn't sing again, because kayfabe. If they won, they'd continue to sing and the Jung Dragons would, I assume, continue to beat the shit out of them, because kayfabe in WCW. It doesn't take long for this match to go outside, because ladder matches. Wow, seeing Jimmy Yang go here, I'm even sadder that he was just a three-way stereotype (as opposed to, I guess, a two-way one here) in WWE.

Now, if their match at Mayhem was SPOTS!, this match was...well, SPOTS! SPOTS! SPOTS! SPOTS! SPOTS! and more spots. And it was glorious. It wasn't technical at all. And seeing this match, I'm not surprised that the people involved didn't have longer American careers. They were probably broken in half just off this one. 3 Count ended up getting the win, even though Tank almost killed 3 Count.

A backstage promo between The Filthy Animals and WCW Commissioner Ernest Miller later, and we're back to Oriental Riff Rip-off Number Three (a/k/a The Great Muta's 2000 WCW theme) and our next match. Miller and Muta are up for our next match. As a sidenote, all matches are no DQ. Even though eye pokes are shunned, we're given a PPV that's (supposedly) no DQ (hi 2010s WWE). Also, fuck the announcers for using terms such as "real heat." Muta and Miller go back and forth for a bit (yawn) until...interference from Tygress. Yep.

I think we all know where I'm going, but I might as well say it anyway. Fuck this company.

Up next, we have what is possibly one of the worst ideas ever in wrestling. This match almost makes Katie Vick" look sane and makes the "Mr. McMahon Blows Up and Dies" storyline make sense. We've got the Judy Bagwell on a Pole match. Yes, Buff Bagwell's mom has been involved in the feud between Buff and Positively Kanyon because...I truly still don't get why. Fuck this match. Fuck it right in the pussy. My God, if you want to see how not to book a match, here's an example.

After seeing six minutes of brawling (and hearing six minites of Judy scream like some bastard child of a banshee and Sarah Silverman), Kanyon has David Arquette come out for interference, but somehow still loses (and pretty badly).

Afterwards, we get yet another trainwreck. This one is in the form of a fatal-four-way tag team championship match. All that I can say on this match is that it manages to one-up the previous match in terms of sheer brain dead logic (or lack thereof). Run-ins, mistimed spots, announcers working within "shoot" territory, a finish that makes no goddamned sense, a guy getting a push who probably doesn't really need one (Muta, considering he appears at least thrice tonight). Yep, sounds like "classic Russo."

So, what else happens in this shitshow?

A Rip off the Clothes (ROTC) match between Major Gunns and Stacy Kiebler where Stacy miscarries her kid?

A worked shoot where Goldberg says "fuck you" to Russo?

Billy Kidman winning via pinfall in a strap match?

A ref-bump heavy WCW Title match between Booker T and Double J (complete with guitar)?

A "Canadian Rules" match between Lance Storm and Mike Awes--y'know what? Fuck this pay-per-view. I can't seriously get through the rest of this without bleach and a couple shots. And since I'm trying to do the non-drinking thing, fuck this shit. New Blood Rising shows what's wrong with 2000/2001 WCW and what can potentially go wrong with Russo's Jerry Springer Show-like writing style. Too much, too quickly leads to confusion and anger.

But, about that worked shoot match, the Nash/Steiner/Goldberg match. What in the high unholy fuck made Russo think that'd be a good idea? Yes, wrestling fans, even the casuals, have an idea on how booking works. However, to book a match where the "booking" involves one of your top guys losing just because, you're digging two graves for your promotion. One grave is for what could've been had you not been fucktarded. The other is for what is, and what's dying in front of your audience.

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Eyes on the Ring 12:52 PM  No comment