WIRTB Review: Survivor Series 1990

People of the world, I've got one thing to say. Sheamus beating Roman Reigns (who beat Dean Ambrose who beat Kevin Owens) for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship was bad. Oh, it was bad. Sheamus draws little heat aside from "you look stupid" chants and makes Roman Reigns look like Superjesus by proxy. But, even with that religiously-offensive line out of the way, Survivor Series 2015 was still not that bad.

So, in honor of WWE's Thanksgiving Tradition, I'm going to discuss a Survivor Series that I've tried to avoid out of fears of clicheness. I'm going to discuss The Gobbledy Gooker Incident. So, grab your Steveweisers, gather the family, and pray that I destroy this one as well as the boys at OSW Review did--since, ya know, this apparently was acceptable in the '80s and early '90s--as I, Speed on the Beat, talk Survivor Series 1990.

"Surely, any PPV which featured the debut of a living legend, The Undertaker, couldn't be that bad," is what you're thinking, right? Well...for starters, we're dealing with the fact that Earthquake and Hulk Hogan were in a main-event feud at this point, over WWE Champion The Ultimate Warrior because, ya know, Hogan. Let that sink in. Golga is in a feud with Hulk [Omitted because racism]. But, it gets worse from there. While the idea of the survivors of each squad teaming up at the end for a big ol' face-versus-heel showdown, that's kind of cool...the talent WWE had to work with at this point was, oddly, kind of lame. I'm sorry, but Koko B. Ware, as legendary as he is, shouldn't be anywhere near anything related to a PPV at this point in his career.

Anyway, after the teams are announced for tonight, Vince McMahon's broadcasting orgasm continues and I get depressed over how many people involved tonight are dead now. That's not a joke. I'm legitimately sad over it. Our announcers, the late Gorilla Monsoon and the late Rowdy Roddy Piper, break down the rules and the giant, dried-up turd in the arena. The "brontosaurus egg" is set to hatch and, apparently, can feed a whole family.

And while I'm sad about how many people are dead now that appeared on this PPV, you can't deny the amount of coke that was probably snorted in this event. Yeesh. Our first match, coincidentally enough, features The Ultimate Warrior's team of himself, The Legion of Doom, and the Texas Tornado versus Mr. Perfect and Demolition. The match itself isn't bad. It's your typical curtain jerker Survivor Series match. But, why in the hell is Warrior in the curtain jerker, as your champion? That's like involving Daniel Bryan in a pre-show mat--oh yeah... Anyway, Team Warrior wins after LOD and Demolition get disqualified (BRAWLING!), Texas Tornado gets spun out by Perfect, and Perfect eats the final pin from Warrior.

Our next match starts and we're greeted by "AMERRRRRICAAAAAANNNNNN DREEEEEEAMMMMMMM!!!" The kid in me is smiling my ass off now. As much as I'm like "get outta here" to Koko, Dusty Rhodes and his theme is enough to put a smile on anyone's face. Plus, you've got the Hart Foundation on the same team. So, that's enough to get me interested again, kind of. But then? Honky Tonk Meh and Jimmy Hart come out, along with Fuck Money himself, Virgil, trying to direct attention to himself. No one cares, rightfully so, and Ted DiBiase introduces The Undertaker with Brother Love!

Undertaker takes out Koko in a minute or so while Monsoon and Piper either want to eat The Undertaker or have sex with him. They're talking about how good and big he looks. Thankfully, Undertaker's glare instills the fear of hellfire in me and I'm taken back to reality. The rest of the match, just like the previous one, is kind of "oh, ok. Cool." 'Taker takes out Koko and Dusty (wah) and, after your typical eliminations, Bret Hart takes out Ted DiBiase. Now, this has always made me wonder. If Undertaker is supposed to be The Ringer, why not have him win the match or at least stay in until the end? I know that Dusty started attacking Brother Love and Undertaker is, at this point, a demonic lapdog. But, sheesh.

As legendary as this event is for the debut of (Kane) The Undertaker The Undertaker, I'm already bored out of my mind. I think I've seen enough to reach my conclusion. It's not that this event was bad, it was just confusingly boring. Now, make no mistake: the Gobbledy Gooker is one of those ideas which should be drug out into the street and shot. But, the matches in this event were just plain boring. They weren't classics, they weren't Hardcore Homecoming. They were just boring. And, truthfully, that's a bigger sin than having a PPV full of pure craptastically horrible sadness. Why? At least a PPV full of pure craptastically horrible sadness is entertaining in that "so bad, it's sheer comedy gold" sort of way. This? I've had more fun looking at Sunny's ass shots in 2015. At least Sunny's ass is still (somewhat) entertaining...

...but, I picked this. So, let me finish the review.

Next match, team Perfect Hair Forever--I mean, Jack the Snake, The Rockers, and Jimmy Snuka get decimated. This takes close to eighteen minutes. After that? Hulk Hogan, obviously, is the lone survivor in his match. After that, the WWE still wanted to make Tito Santana a thing, so he got the lone survivor treatment. And finally, Hogan and Warrior win the final for the faces.

And the Gobbledy Gooker? I don't think we need to talk about that piece-of-shitload-of-ass.

Happy Thanksgiving and, unless you want that drunk uncle in your family to tell you about "real fighting" and then pass out after ten minutes of ranting about how he could've beaten the Ultimate Warrior's ass "in real life," avoid this like the plague. It is bad because it's so damned boring. I can't even be too funny in this review. My brain's been lulled to sleep.

So, screw it, that's why Survivor Series 1990 is that bad.